I know I shouldn't

I know I shouldnt. I want to kill myself.

My husband and I just had our 2 year anniversary. I'm pregnant with our first child. She is going to be a dwarf. I used to be a very heavy drinker (I stopped drinking, again, last October). My immediate family (minus my father) keeps placing the "blame" of her dwarfism on me and my drinking. They accuse me of still drinking.

It makes me want to kill myself. I know I can't, because that would mean I'd be killing my child and hurting my husband, who I know would be devastated.

I don't know what to do. I sit for hours alone, in the dark, thinking about what's going to happen and the future of our daughter, and I just collapse. I've cried for a week straight now. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have no one that I feel like I can talk to, because they all feel like it's my fault.

It's genetic. The doctor said so. Even so, as long as I haven't been drinking since she was conceived (November), it wouldn't have any bearing on her outcome.

I don't know what to do. I know I've constantly been thinking about driving into oncoming traffic, but I don't want anyone else to get hurt. I've been thinking about cutting myself. I've been thinking about hanging myself. I don't want to hurt my husband or my child, but I don't know how much longer I can be strong.