Dutch version of [The Onion] "We have rewritten Harry Potter to make it more clear to be fiction"

"De Speld" is a Dutch satire website similar to The Onion. They wrote this article, here's a translation which I thought you guys might enjoy:

To prevent any musunderstanding, we have rewritten Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling. This way it is more clear that Harry Potter is a fictional charactar, who only exists within the imagined world of the reader, and does not have a physical representation in the world around us. The new version is called "The most of all fictional wizard Harry Potter en the Deathly Hallows that were entirely made up by J.K. Rowling" en counts over 3500 pages.

Here's a taste: "Harry was bleeding, as a matter of speech that is, because Harry is a fictional character. With his left hand squeezing his right he, while swearing under his breath, pushed open the bedroomdoor with his shoulder. Right now you are probably wondering which bedroom this is about. To be clear, this is not your bedroom, it is a bedroom that J.K. Rowling dreamt up. It is a fictional location wherein tHarry Potter, the fictional wizard, can move around, or rather in which he can make movements that the writer makes up. Ofcourse it is possible that the bedroom is based on an existing bedroom and that the described bedroom shows a lot of similarities to the actual bedroom in our physical world, but in that case too you must assume that this bedroom is not "real" like yours is. De events that will take place within this bedroom might feel like they are aimed at you, or anyone else who owns a bedroom, personally, but we want to assure you that they are not. The bedroom is made up. He, Harry Potter, the fictional character, hears the sound of porcelain breaking. Don't worry, it's fictional porcelain, so it's not actually breaking, but it is in the fictional world of the story. Harry "hears" this. It is one part of a sequence of events that together become the story. With every event that follows it is important to remember that it is not happening in reality, but in the fictional world of the story. To experience the story more instensely it might be better to create more of a suspense of disbelief, but I warn you, a couple chaters after this one the wizarding war will become so gory and bloody that it is my opinion that it is in your own best interest for me to leave no doubts about the fictional nature of these events. He had stood on a cup of cold tea that someone had put on the ground."

Kinda rushed the translation so if anything doesn't seem right do let me know :)