Things are lonely right now

I have to write this here--to say these things here because I have nowhere and no one else to say them to.

I have almost no friends anymore, and I can't even say it's because of me being trans. A lot of them still don't know, but they've started romantic relationships, or gotten married, or had kids, and like that they disappear. The difference between me and them...

They can post adorable pictures and receive love and well wishes. Their friends and family celebrate them, and they're there to support them when things are challenging.

For me to come out publicly, to tell more people that something has happened to me and that it weighs on me daily, I could never hope or expect anything positive to come of it. People can relate to relationships and children, or new jobs; but who can relate to me? There are so many things I've wanted to say, to confess, to just complain about and I can't.

Who would understand that over a year ago, I started to realize I had been looking at women all of these years as people I wanted to physically be with. I fantasized about girlfriends and sexual flings with women. I wanted someone to be so desperately in love with me that I could never doubt how connected we were.

Who could I tell I understand those feelings better now? I wanted a best friend. I wanted the relationships I saw other girls and women have with each other. I look at girls now and while I'm still attracted to them, that's not what I think about. I don't -want- them. I want to -be- them. I have no one in my life who would understand that.

I just want friends I can trust, people I can be myself around. I feel like I've spent my whole life searching for this wonderful best friend, or group of friends, and yet here I am at thirty with a list of acquaintances that seems to grow smaller year by year.

I've walked by the make-up section at various stores countless times simply wanting to stop and look, to imagine what kind I'd use or would look best on me. I don't have anyone to do that with and I absolutely hate it. I'm not a bad person. I'm social and thoughtful, but I can't stop feeling isolated and lonely.

I don't know. There's so much else I can and want to say. I want to cry but the testosterone in me makes it easy to ignore the sensation. I just get headaches instead of tears.