Edit: Thank you everyone for your honest and open answers. This has been both interesting and very helpful.
Posted Apr 27, 2017, 5:45 AM UTC · edited
I never particularly wanted to be a mother when I was young. I never idealized motherhood and family and envisioned myself being single and having adventures.
But I met this great guy and fell madly in love. And suddenly the idea of having a baby with him seemed like a pressing need, the greatest thing ever. I guess I was high on love hormones or something. So we got married and got me knocked up.
Pregnancy was 9 months of crushing low to mid grade constant misery. It sucked. I can't even describe how miserable it was. 9 months of it. Did I mention it sucked? Because it sucked.
But I was excited to get the kid the fuck out of me. I was excited to meet my son. I was really excited to be able to let his father hold him instead of having him crush my internal organs and strain my hips and push against my ribs.
And, while I don't think it was instant ooey-gooey love, there was an instant, fierce possessiveness. Think of a mamma bear with her cub. This is mine; I made it; it smells like me; mine; you can't have it! That eventually grew into ooey-gooey love. I mean, I'd still tear the face off of anyone that messed with my baby but I also melt a little inside whenever I look at him. He's ten now and I still feel that way about him.
I mean, I'm not having another kid unless my husband gets pregnant but I love the shit out of the kid I've got.
But I met this great guy and fell madly in love. And suddenly the idea of having a baby with him seemed like a pressing need
This is where I am at right now. Lots of weird new feelings lately. Two of his sisters had babies late last year and seeing him play with the baby nieces sets off some crazy feels.
Marriage and babies are still a few years off but your comment made me feel a little better about it all.
Even as someone who doesn't really want children, seeing a guy/my SO interact sweetly and nurturingly to a child is incredibly cute and also makes me want to have a child.
Yes! I'm very firmly not wanting a baby anytime soon but we're open to it in a few years. Maybe.
However, one of my boyfriend's friends has a fierce and sassy toddler and my boyfriend is head over heels for that girl. If you just mention her name, his whole face lights up and he gets this big smile on his face. Those are the times I think that maybe for that face I could go through with being pregnant.
We still have decided to stay undecided though for the time being.
This describes my relationship with my son when he was born. I struggled to bond for months for a multitude of reasons, mainly because he was born 16 weeks premature (did not look like a human baby for the first 2 months) and coz I went through an extremely traumatic and violent breakup and subsequent court case during pregnancy/after. I was also sick with gallstones and removal surgery. It all happened at once and I was so suicidal for ages I just didn't bond with him for the first 4 months.
I definitely knew that I supposed to feel love and I felt a responsibility to him. I was at hospital day and night, pumped milk nonstop and did all the mum things except really love him. I too was extremely possessive had the 'mine' mentality but I guess I just didn't have the emotional strength to allow myself a chance to bond.
I finally loved him when he started smiling at around 4 months old, around 6 weeks corrected. And it happened in the space of a few days.
Wow, I can't even imagine the trauma surrounded with a baby born so premature! That must have been so rough for both of you. :( How is he doing now?
My son actually died when he was 6 months old (sids) but at the time he was a picture of health, just small. He left hospital healthy and fully breastfed. :)
I'm so sorry for all the tough things you've been through. No one deserves even one of these things, you're so strong. I'm thinking of you <3
I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say. What is your life like now?
Holy crap, I am so sorry. :( I feel like such an asshole for asking. I want to send you some good energy vibes and commend you for your strength, which is really coming through in these comments. Best of luck to you and your partner. <3
And, while I don't think it was instant ooey-gooey love, there was an instant, fierce possessiveness.
I had trouble bonding with my kid, but I still felt this. I raged at my SIL for picking him up and walking to another room when my back was turned for literally a minute and he was less than a foot behind me. Even when I had trouble thinking of him as more than "the baby that came out of me, I'm responsible," that protectiveness was frighteningly strong.
I had almost the exact same experience with you. Never yearned to be a mother or have a family, then I met my husband and the idea of a family with him just felt right and amazing.
Pregnancy is fucking awful. I had morning sickness all 9 months. Birth was the best feeling ever and seeing my husband with our first was dream-like. I didn't feel the ooey-gooeys after he was born, but those feelings grow as the baby develops from a newborn into a "real person". Went through pregnancy 3 times in total for a total of 3 kids. There are so many trying moments and I'm sure there will continue to be but there is so much love, joy, and squishy happiness in between. All in all I'd give it a solid 8/10, would do again.
I'm extremely pg and this is kinda how I feel. I feel protective of the baby and worry about her and desperately want her to be safe and healthy. But I don't feel like emotional love or attachment yet, b/c she doesn't really seem real and I don't know her yet. I assume it will come once she is out.
Nope. After the initial rush of hormones after giving birth (which lasted like 30min) I went back to the way I felt before. Due to family pressure I tried to do the mom thing and kept the kid for like 8mos or so, but I couldn't handle it, so I gave him up. He's 13 now and I've never had the desire to get him back... and I technically could if I wanted to with the way I gave him up.
No, they didn't change after I gave birth, but i do love my kid very much. I made sure I didn't get pregnant again and tried to be the best mom I could be. I'm always amazed people have kids on purpose, multiple times. Blows my mind because I hate it so much.
I'm always amazed people have kids on purpose, multiple times.
Preach, sister. My SIL and BIL are expecting right now, and intellectually, I'm super happy that they are happy, but internally, all I feel is shock and horror. The voice in my head keeps saying: why did you let that happen? Don't you know you can prevent pregnancy?!! (But obviously I would never say that to them; I have manners!)
What do you hate about it? Are there things you love about it?
Being a parent is nonstop responsibility for years, a whole person I have to keep alive and well. For the rest of his/her life, I'm their mom.
They leach from your body, which is already so sensitive to touch and invasion, but you're supposed to love it, this draining of your most personal parts, your center. They're not a blank slate, they're a real person who can't talk or do anything for themselves for so long, and as you cry when the baby wakes you up again just as you finally got to sleep and you know you need to feed him/her again, invaded again by the relentless hunger of that precious little mouth, you will never be out from under the weight of their very existence at the cost of your body and mind. You love them fiercely, but it's so very heavy.
It gets easier when they get holder, hang in there mama. I don't know anyone that legitimately enjoyed infancy or even the toddler years..even if they say they enjoyed it I don't believe them.
My kid is an adult now. Lol
This is exactly how I feel!! Like going through it ONCE was INSANE and I will never do it again. When people are like "we're trying for our third!" I just look at them like O.O HOW??? How do that once and are up for more?
They didn't change much. I love my son and did the very best I could, but I did not love being a parent. Had my tubes tied so I'd never have to worry about it again.
This was 100% me and I'll still tell people that I would be totally happy without kids. I joke and say that the first one was for my husband, the second one was for the first to play with. It helps that my husband and I are happy.
I think, barring depression or mental issues most people end up loving their kids. Do I love every moment of every day? No. Would I love to just step out the door without a thought. Yes. Would dieing lonely and alone be worth never having to go grocery shopping with a 4 year old again.... Maybe.
But all that is nothing compared to the feeling of fulfillment. I'm not even Goto say joy, because it's not always joyful, but it's just really important.
Tldr: I love them now.
I feel like I could've wrote this myself. My first was an accident after only 3 months of dating my now husband and he was so excited and ready for it I decided to go through with it, the second was so the first could have a sibling. I have days of daydream about what my life would be like childless or even as a single woman. It's overall totally worth it and fulfillment is a good word for it.
Yes. I wasn't particulary anti-baby, I just didn't have that feeling like some of friends had - "I want a baby!! Many babies! Cute, fluffy, sweet, blablablah".
Then I guess I felt it was the time. And I was again - theoretically wanting a baby.
And then she was born.
There is no love like this. I can just start crying when she's at school, and I start to miss her. It's a sweet, and painful feeling at the same time.
But pregnancy sucks.
Dear me, we're doomed...
This. My whole pregnancy I was "meh" and "my life is over" even though it was planned.
After a horrific labor resulting in a csection I will never forget the intense love I felt for her. It was immediate and all consuming. I never knew I could love someone so much.
I didn't want to be a mom, DEF didn't want to be pregnant, it was pretty traumatic honestly. But the second I met my son it was like "OK. This is OK now. We're OK." All of a sudden I was We and we've been our own little team, best buds ever since and I'm so happy to have him. I absolutely never want to be pregnant again. I don't want any more kids but I'm glad I've got my son.
Love your name!
Thanks yo :D
"All of a sudden I is we" That's beautiful
Yes, I did it 3 more times after the 1st one! I absolutely loathed being pregnant, until my last pregnancy at 39. I actually enjoyed it? Growing up I always said I wasn't having kids- I was going to travel and live this fun exotic life and do whatever I wanted and live wherever I wanted. Everyone believed me too. Then I got pregnant at 19. My sister almost talked me into an abortion but I knew I couldn't do it. The minute I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl I knew I made the right decision. Motherhood is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life but it is also the most rewarding. My kids are smart, sweet, funny and just good people. They just make me so proud. If I wasn't 40 I would most likely have more.
This encouraged me so much. Thank you :)
That the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me on Reddit!! Seriously though, I respect anyone's decision to not have children but there is nothing like being a mother. Bonus: you almost always have someone to go to the movies with AND a great excuse for your house being messy.
I wanted nothing to do with having children growing up. Mostly because we were poor and homeless at times, I didn't want to bring a kid into that situation. I met my would be husband and knew I would be ok having his kids. 22yrs and 3 kids later and it's just awesome! I am a stay at home mom (something else I never pictured myself doing). Absolutely no regrets. I am so proud to have raised 3 amazing people!!! They give me hope for our future generations!!
My SIL never wanted kids and then all the sudden wanted them at 35. Zen all throughout pregnancy until the last weeks, she just wanted it out. She got weird around the birth. Before she had been very much "family comes together for a birth" to "I won't tell anyone when he comes, I don't want anyone at the hospital, I'll tell people when I am ready". Fine with me, but her mother was kind of hurt as she changed her mind 180 degrees within 10 days of the birth.
After she had the kid she immediately had PPD, was insanely anxious, started being just really unhinged. She refused medication or help and it just devolved within the first few months. Her mother got her some help after she had a nervous breakdown at an event at 3 months. She has never been the same, the kid is 10. The kid clearly picked up on this as he has a lot of issues. I doubt my SIL would ever admit it but I think she regrets it. She loves him, but she isn't cut out for this type of stress. She likes to act like a martyr "I am so busy, you know, being a mother, you wouldnt understand," about having kids, and always mentions how "people on the fence or who haven't always wanted kids just shouldn't do it. Nope," totally unsolicited while people are conversing about something else.
My brother's marriage seems... forced and unhappy. I haven't gotten along with her since she was pregnant. She doesn't even seem to like her kid, she does seem like she's obsessed with him and loves him, but not in an enjoyable way.
Sounds like she got scared of not having the choice once she got older. I'm sorry for her kid.
Wow I feel like this explains my childhood....
I didn't want children growing up. For some reason, I changed my mind after getting married (to a poor choice of life partner, at that). But I loved being pregnant with my first, and loved her as soon as I heard her first cry.
But she was a tough newborn. I wasn't prepared for the extent of sacrifices a child truly requires. I love her to death, but I decided I didn't want another child.
So of course I made another bad decision one time and wound up pregnant again. I was devastated; scheduled, then cancelled, an abortion in the same day; went through heavy depression throughout the pregnancy.
But then they brought him to me. I thought he was such a handsome baby boy. I was smitten, and two weeks later I look at him in wonder all the time at how much I love him. I cuddle him as often as I can.
I never much thought about kids growing up, and for years even decided I didn't want them. For some reason, I changed my mind with my current SO, and we decided to have a baby.
I hated being pregnant. I legitimately can't remember any part I liked. Even the "aww, he's kicking!" moments were usually fearful because he was so still most of the time I had to nudge my belly to be sure he was even alive. It was scary, on top of the typical pregnancy bullshit symptoms. I ended up getting pre-eclampsia and had to be induced 3 weeks early--and the birth was a nightmare, too. Everything I feared would happen, happened. It was painful, it was awful, I could barely stand to hold my son after and had to force myself to bond with him from birth through six months old. Breastfeeding was a special type of hell--I had difficulty keeping up supply and had to go 50/50 with formula.
But something kind of shifted after that. Once he was reactive, smiling, reaching for me on purpose and not just my boob, I started falling in love with him. Now he's almost two, and I think he's the most precious person (aside from SO) in my life.
I'm willing to have another, even. We're trying to.
I have heard that having another baby within two years of your first carries a risk of more serious preeclampsia.
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I didn't want to be a mom growing up. I hated pregnancy until about halfway through. My feelings changed DRAMATICALLY. I've never felt the kind of connection with another human that I have with my kids. It's so intense it can be overwhelming at times. I love them so, so, so much more than I knew it was possible to love.
Yes my feelings changed. I love my sons more than life itself. That's not to say it isn't hard as hell to raise them and I miss my freedom to do whatever I want but they are my favorite ppl in the world and the only ones I can truly be myself around.
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I remember the first month I really did not feel the love at all and got very frustrated. I even took maternity leave so I did not have to worry about work next morning if I was kept all night. i would say starting when the baby made genuine smiles is when I started to bond. When I went back to work and left her by a babysitter I really started loving her for real. I guess the break in the day of taking care of her really changed things.
I was neutral about becoming a mom, I definitely didn't want it or become pregnant intentionally the first time. I accidentally got pregnant after only 3 months of knowing/dating my now husband, he was older and so ready to be a dad..he was so excited I decided to go for it. Miserable pregnancy, pre-eclampsia..thankfully I made it to 37weeks, traumatic birth..she was born not breathing after pushing 2 hours, and being in labor for 18hours, I had stitches. I felt a super protective feeling towards her, I wanted to be a good mom, but I feel I've always had to force it..I don't feel like I'm naturally maternal. I had second child so my first wouldn't be alone. It was a great pregnancy and birth, but I developed mild post partum depression and it's really just now starting to lift now that he's almost one. I don't enjoy motherhood as much as I probably should, it feels like a 24/7 job that never ends. I miss the carefree child free days, I miss long hot bubble baths alone, I miss morning sex, sleeping in..sleeping more than 4 hours straight anytime,etx. I do love my kids though and I'm determined to make sure they always feel loved and wanted.
Why would someone who never wanted to be a mom get pregnant and have a kid?
Birth control fails, and abortion is not as accessible in some parts of the world than it is in others. Especially with what's happening in the US.
Some people are raped.
there's billions of years of evolutionary pressure to make that very easy.
This describes two women I know. Neither were baby-crazy, both had difficult pregnancies.
My best friend described herself as "neutral" when her son was born. He was not unwanted, or unloved, she just...wasn't sure. But she says that over his first two weeks of life, she just fell in love with him. Like falling in love with her husband, but...deeper and differently? She's an incredible mom.
My other friend of a friend ended up leaving her partner with the kid because she legitimately did not want to be a parent, but he didn't want to terminate. She was 18, he was 42. Her ex-bf got married, the kid lives with the dad 90% of the time, and 2 weeks with her during the summer. She pays a lot in child support, but she says it makes sense, she feels more like an aunt than a parent. The kid calls the step-mom "mom" and calls her by her first name.
I think the age difference there says a lot Baku both of them, she's too young to have a kid, and he's clearly that guy who never left highs school
your autocorrect ratted you out, KingMong-chan
Nope Baka is the word your thinking of, Baku is the capital of Azerbaijan
I brought great shame on my family, must commit sudoku
He pretty much was. He definitely manipulated her.
Normally I'm all about the non custodial parent paying their share of child support but it actually sounds a little unfair in this case. She didn't want a child and have terminated. She went through the pain and hardship of pregnancy and birth so the nd could be the father. It feels more like she's just an egg doner to him. Plus he's probably got his shot together being in his tos, but having to spend all your money as an 18 year old on a baby you didn't want sounds tough.
It's pretty tough being a child as well though, in all these child support cases people forget that the most important thing is the child
Of course, I guess in my head I'm imagining the dad, a 40 something year old who probably makes more than enough to support the baby convincing a young girl who didn't want a baby to go through with it because he wanted to be a dad. I mean she could be said no and I'm sure they discussed all that before hand and I could be wrong about their situation completely.
Just trying to wrap my head around how I feel about this, and anticipate being down voted for it. What if the roles were reversed? (42F / 18M) There's a different set considerations of course, not actually having physically give birth namely.
It was ultimately choice to have the baby... doesn't seem unfair at all.
Well I suppose they would've discussed that before deciding.
I agree. Not in a legal sense, before anyone gets on my case. But any 18 year old who is dumb enough to sleep with a 42 year old probably lacks the ability to stand up for herself against the interests of the much older partner.
That's what I was thinking, that he might of tricked her into or took advantage. Its just the huge age difference that makes it feel like maybe something unfair is happening.
I've always wanted to be a mum, I definitely had a period were I fell in love with my baby. I think you need to get to know your baby and not just the concept of a baby.