Pillow Talk
Please, pillow,
talk with me.
Let life lay.
My hot head hits
your crisp cool case,
so split brain spills
dreams in drool drips
through lips. Stay still,
thoughtless, so free.
You're facile
and fitting to hug,
a siren in silence.
Gunpowder, I'm firing,
for the residue,
for words with you.
Posted Apr 30, 2017, 9:32 AM UTC · edited
I dig it. Top notch imagery and reminds me of those naps I wish I could take during work. I'm a little confused on the phrasing of "so split brain spills dreams in drool drops through lips." It reads a bit weird even though I know where you were taking it.
Wow, I love the alliteration and the assonance, makes the poem slide so easily in the mind's tongue. I think it reads really well and definitely connotes a certain mental state that lines up well with your subject matter. Nice job!
I really think this would do fantastically if performed. It's already great on its own. The imagery and flow is on point, to the extent where it is almost effortless to read. Can't really suggest any improvement, just don't add to it, in case you planned to, as it's fine as it is!
I really enjoy your approach with being creative. We can all relate to snuggling with a pillow and essentially it does talk with us when we lay down and "let life lay" is a great metaphor for just letting go and relax with life.