Source
r/OCPoetry•
200wordsJohn

penthouse balcony

Feedback Received!
i was on a voyage to the moon
on a paper bottom boat.
my back to the sun, only
my shadow for company.

celestial seas. solar winds
in my sail. crossroads of time
and space. 

alone, without
shadow, without
map or compass.
my frosting heart and
throbbing fingers beg—
deeper into the sub-zero emptiness.

adrift in the void sea. sand no longer
in the crusts of my eyes, the sky is clear
and black. there are no constellations.
the pulp base of my boat ripped, 
creatures from below feed
on the open sores of my feet.
i count the days left in my possession.

stars align, their message clear.
i am in an ecstasy. i tear apart
the bottom of my vessel.
swollen, screaming hands. i fall
into the hole, entering back into earth’s
atmosphere, weightless, into
the open arms of the concrete,
finally reaching my destination.

1, 2

Posted May 2, 2017, 2:55 PM UTC

512
sirpsys•

Very much like the space imagery. The overall feel reminds me of a dmt trip

2
200wordsJohnOP•

thank you. your comment is very validating for what i was trying to achieve.

i try to bring people on a looney, visual journey whenever i write.

1
philomexa•

I love the the trip the imagery is taking me on, however I keep getting stuck on what seems, to me, an internal contradiction.

only my shadow for company.

and then a few lines later;

alone, without shadow,

I think consistence regarding the presence (or lack-thereof) of your shadow would iron out the speed bumps in an otherwise flowy poem.

1
200wordsJohnOP•

thank you for your comments.

you mentioning 'the trip' is very validating to my writing.

on the topic of the shadow's presence: between the 2nd and 3rd stanza, there is a gap in time, where the narrator goes from the high to low, and is abandoned by his shadow (his only friend and companion).

1
gawumph•

Agreeing with the other posters, it reminds me of a hallucinogenic trip, great use of imagery.

1
200wordsJohnOP•

thank you so much

1
jdungy•

I enjoy this a lot. You use a lot of surreal imagery that grabs hold of the reader's attention. Another thing I really liked was your word choice in the second stanza, specifically "celestial seas"

1
200wordsJohnOP•

thanks for the commentary

1
rhododenron•

This was a fun read. I really like the imagery you use throughout and a nice little twist at the end.

1
200wordsJohnOP•

yes, i feel like the story carries the writing. thank you for your comment.

2
aahxzen•

the imagery is beautiful, despite also communicating these aspects of decay (sores of my feet, pulp base of my boat ripped) and sort of sinking into what seems like death, but almost death of the spirit. Like you were travelling as an entity, boundlessly, but you were pulled from it into some dark void. Good stuff and enjoyable read.

1
200wordsJohnOP•

thank you for your feedback.

your commentary was enjoyable itself to read.

1