They creep into my room at night
Shivering and slithering
They crawl into my mind at night
Arguing and bickering
They sink into my flesh, a mite
Wandering and floundering
They start to speak when I just might
Wondering and hollering
They try to stop me, "It's alright"
"No more thoughts, now just night"
They tip my head back from the light
"Close your eyes, my dear, sleep tight."
Posted May 5, 2017, 3:31 AM UTC
I honestly feel like you could project anything onto the nature of the visitors, they could be thoughts, memories, children, anything really. I like that it's unfulfilling - it allows the reader to really interpret the poem in any way they see fit.
Other than that, it's fast, it's snappy, and very easy to read. It's easy enough to project basically anything onto so it just feels right.
Thanks for the feedback! I started out intending to make a specific "thing" but decided, as I was writing, to leave it open-ended. Glad you thought the structure/rhythm was good, as this was a technical exercise.
I like this! I like the way it sticks to its strict scheme of rhyme and parallelism without becoming formulaic. Subtle, slowly unfolding variation is where it's at. However, I do think it may be a bit too well put together. It flows but doesn't necessarily make you stop. Perhaps it need a bit of context to get the interpretation going. Even just changing the title to something a bit more concrete might work.
Of course interpretation isn't always required. This works well as a surface, a sounding board, and maybe that's all it needs to be.
You got me! You pretty much nailed it. This was very much a technical exercise. The content came second, and that appears to be showing. It is superficial and I did not elaborate because there is nothing to elaborate--no message at all really--I was just experimenting with syllables and restrictions. I think I started with the intention to make the "visitors" be our imagination/thoughts, but it became more vague as I proceeded.
Thanks for the feedback, spot on analysis.
To be honest i fucking love it, your flow and rhyme scheme are extremely enjoyable and the strict structure makes it easy to read. The sinister over tones give it depth without revealing everything.
Thanks! :)
This is so nearly a sweet little poem about how annoying kids can be, that the constructed ambiguity of the visitors weakens the piece for me.
The subtle change in rhythm brought about by the comma on L5 is really interesting and I think enhances the musicality. How would you feel about increasing the line length on L7 by one metric foot? I think it'll do something for the piece.
The lines i have issues with (both rhythmically and narratively) are the last two, because instead of revealing, they obscure. And the double commas around "my dear", while grammatically correct, halt the rhythm at a bad point for me.
Those two commas were meant to slow the rhythm down at the very end to simulate drifting off to sleep.
You can check my other comment regarding the ambiguity. Thanks for the feedback!
Love the strict stanzas.
It's evocative, but I'm left wondering as to the nature of these visitors. A bit unfulflilling?
Thank you for the feedback! I replied elsewhere regarding the ambiguity