Source
r/OCPoetry•
chikythegreat

Phantom Queen of Hearts

Feedback Received!

I always knew I loved you
All the time, all the while
From the first time I saw you
Unknown then, but with a smile

How different we were, yet how much the same
How little we showed, how much we kept tame
If opposites attract, we were the poles
Yet it was only I who lost my soul

And still I am lost, a part missing
The deck incomplete with a card missing
The queen of hearts

And yet sometimes I count the cards
In hope that maybe, somehow, however hard
The deck becomes complete as it were
And the game goes on without her

The incomplete becomes complete again
The hole in my heart she used to grace
Commemorating her eternal place
A phantom card takes its proxy space

My 2 feedback links: https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/69b22w/in_my_dream_last_night/dh63jyl/ https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/692i8i/dying/dh4tcc5/

Posted May 7, 2017, 2:53 AM UTC

38
Jacobee125•

I like the style and thematics of it. I think you could spin it easily in the sinister or the melancholy direction. You may want to make the lines' syllables match up, for a constant rhythm to follow

1
chikythegreatOP•

Thank you for the encouragement !!

1
milgita•

Overall, your poem is decent, and the imagery is nicely developed.

The second stanza, though, is just fantastic. The rhythm is great, the word arrangement is great, and I'm pretty sure those four lines just by themselves expressed as much emotion as the entire rest of the poem. It hit me hard. The ache is practically tangible.

On the negative side, one thing in particular stuck out painfully in the next stanza. You ended two lines in a row with the word "missing". That just doesn't sound good.

On the interesting (possibly good again) side, I like how you build on the idea of the incomplete deck, but the rhythm does trip a bit in the fourth stanza. I'm not sure if I dislike it at this point, though. If you say it just so, it kind of adds a hopeful hesitation that reinforces the idea of checking for something unlikely that the narrator really want to be true. Idk if that's on purpose or not, but it definitely adds a little something to the stanza. I'd suggest adding a comma before "as it were". You know, give readers more of a hint that they should pause a second there.

Good read.

1
chikythegreatOP•

thank you for the detailed evaluation. Very glad someone took the time to point out the good and the bad. As much as each poet needs the encouragement, they need the guidance as well. The point about the "missing" is well taken. Your understanding of the last stanza is bang on. It was the intention and that "comma" would make one hell of a difference. Thanks again !!

1
defCONCEPT•

I think this is beautiful.

I don't mean to you such a typical word to describe it, but in this case I can't think of a more appropriate Word I would use to describe what I just read other than beautiful (albeit tragic)

The pentameter had a heartbeat to it

And your commitment to the rhyme scheme is near perfect which made me read this with a clear fluidity because nothing felt forced, which is important - you sacrificed nothing to make your rhyme scheme work because it all fell into place (damn near) effortlessly.

And that ain't easy to do.

Great poem

1
chikythegreatOP•

Thank you :) I usually focus on the emotions I am feeling rather than the construct. Sometimes it holds me in good stead. Sometimes it goes awry. But then, I wouldn't have it any other way. Would you ??

1
defCONCEPT•

Agreed most of my stuff is a proverbial coin flip - one side means that the theme or underlying message I'm trying to convey is (more or less) easily recognizable thereby making the poem make some actual fucking sense -

Or the alternative -

Where I completely focus my energy in all the wrong places and create a nonsensical sampler platter or descriptive metaphors that usually turn out greater than the sum of there parts.

In which case - I usually Frankenstein works like this. By that I mean I pluck any number of parts that I figure are worth saving .. and usuallly turn the into their own .. thing

Lol

1
chikythegreatOP•

lol, I think thats a good point. Many times some lines turn out to be so good its actually a pity to let them go waste although the context might not be properly set. I have a few such lines saved which I revisit sometimes and try to see if I can build up on them. But mostly end up with zilch since the moment is gone :(

1