Source
r/OCPoetry•
chikythegreat

A Deep Sigh

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We let it all out....in a deep sigh

Good times we had and times we cherished
Thoughts that faded, memories perished
A word, a sound, a place, an eye
Brought it all back, images flashed by

We let it all out....in a deep sigh

Years of pain and fears
Of lonely nights and tears
Of things to come and things that went
Things we hoped for, things we repent

we let it all out....in a deep sigh

Things I can control, things I can't
Feelings I can hold, those I can't
Succumbing to whatever future holds
Paying my obeisance as life unfolds

We let it all out....in a deep sigh

In that deep sigh, we hide a lot
Folding within, thoughts burning hot
Fears rooted deep inside
Hope and wishes to ride the tide

In that normal act of breathing out
You try to flush it all out
Banishing it all into oblivion
Trying to find a new... equilibrium

https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6bw1j9/a_short_poem_i_just_wrote_title_suggestions_and/dhq2bbg/

https://oc.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6avh2y/a_life_divine/dhjrnjm/

Posted May 20, 2017, 4:05 PM UTC

35
PoetLaureddit•

Lot of dense imagery going on! A couple things that come to mind-- If you're going to go with the repetitive line of 'We let it out... in a deep sigh', I would include the last one before the final stanza unless there's a drastic stylistic or tonal change, which I don't think there is.

Also, if you want to mimic the cadence of a sigh, I might drop the ellipses and split the line into a two line mini-stanza:

We let it all out In a deep sigh

In any case, I like the writing!

1
chikythegreatOP•

I thought the last stanza felt like a good ending tone rather than something to begin a poem with. Hence finished the poem with that. I like the idea of splitting the chorus into 2 as well. My intention was to make people pause a bit with the ellipse, which as you mentioned, mimic the cadence of a sigh. Couldn't think of a better way to put it. Perhaps 2 lines would do the trick.

1
EmilyBuchanan•

I like the consistent use of rhyme and juxtaposition throughout the poem, and there is some great imagery in here.

For the repetitive line, 'We let it all out... in a deep sigh', I think you should remove the ellipsis, and either have it as one continuous line or, if you want to keep a pause in the middle, break it into two lines, like:

We let it all out

In a deep sigh

I also don't think the ellipsis in the last line works; I would either remove it or drop 'equilibrium' down onto a new line. I feel as though the ellipses break the flow of the rhyming and rhythm of the poem.

You change from 'we' to 'I' in the third stanza, and 'you' in the last. Is there any reason for this? I don't think that the change is strong enough to make sense if there is a reason. Maybe before each of the stanzas that change pronoun, you could include the repetitive line with that pronoun? This might make it more cohesive.

Overall, good use of rhyme and rhythm, and an interesting use of juxtaposition of feelings and actions, and I like the mood of the poem!

1
chikythegreatOP•

Thanks for the suggestions and the encouragement.

To answer your question, I didnt realise I was changing the pronoun as I was too engrossed in writing the feelings than to see the tense. But now, having written it down that way, I surmise I did so because there is a lot of difference between "things we can control" and "things I can control" in the contextual terms. the former IMO inherently has a collective sense to it while the latter is more personal. Also everyone would have their own way of paying obeisance in their own way and I wanted to say its a personal choice. Hence the switch (I guess, subconsciously).

I also might have over complicated the thinking and it hasn't come out well. But still learning !!!

1
Aqua783•

In my honest opinion I think the sigh idea is there in the stanzas and the title already, so I find the chorus redundant. Perhaps ending with the line broken into a two lined stanza as people have mentioned would be better.

The theme is constant (besides the subjects) so I think this is a good piece.

1