22/25
[deleted]
Posted May 21, 2017, 6:10 AM UTC
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[deleted]
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Is the name a Bible reference?
Also I love it. Beautiful iambic rhythm, but if this were free verse it would still be good. Can I ask what a tremorflection is? It looks like a nonce word.
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Is the name a Bible reference?
nah, it's just the 22nd sonnet I've written since I told myself to write at least 25 as fast as I can stomach them (was daily, but I had to take a break).
Can I ask what a tremorflection is?
Combination of genuflection and 'quaking'
I'm glad you loved it! I was worried this one wouldn't work at all!
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The "shit" in the last line is soooo effective IMO. I loooove the intensely Biblical language contrasting with the break into today's colloquialism. The break really completely shifts the whole poem. A proper volta, methinks. Really dig it. Is this something against quakerism or just a topic you picked? Doesn't seem to reflect the quakers I know, but spot on for my (since rescinded) evangelical upbringing.
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It's well written, tight language; obviously your biblical knowledge and vocabulary are very strong! I have two suggestions: One, if you're only going to have one line be capitalized, consider a stanza break there? It's such a dense poem, and even though I think you're intending it to be rapid and drawing the reader in, it might give a one second break to them.
My other suggestion, as much as I love swearing, is to take 'shit' out of the last line and replace it with something else that stays consistent. To me, it just doesn't fit the rest of the poem. However, if you have a strong desire to utilize it in that way, I guess it accomplishes that; I think the prior writing is just strong enough that you don't need to use a gimmick!