Source
r/OCPoetry•
Dusty_Death

The Dust of the Sun

Feedback Received!

Once a philosopher puzzled:
what if the skin of marble really feels
as delicate as a dandelion floret
lilting on the breeze, and hardens
only at my finger’s touch?

And what if marble's interior really drips
clearer than a winter’s runnel
channeled through the glade
until it meets my gaze
then evaporates like obsidian clouds?

And what if marble really roils like pulver
through the air, swims as particles of dust
to clutch the gilded rods of sun
only to return to the shape of shadow
when I am there?

So I see you seated
in the glittering window
sipping the dust
of dead leaves --
a silhouette,
a statue,
a dream.

[1] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6clxlv/beedeath/dhw4jx7/) [2] (https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6ck3s0/the_moon_is_mine/dhvzjgh/)

Posted May 22, 2017, 7:12 PM UTC · edited

1010
apples11•

My prevailing sentiment is that your command of language is strong enough that you could have expressed the same idea within a more rigid rhyme scheme without sacrificing anything. I'm of the opinion that rhythm and rhyme add a lot to a piece. That being said, I really love this poem, the imagery, the metaphor, the relationship that it characterizes, having left just the right amount of ambiguity to give the reader a poignant hint and let them fill in the rest of the gaps. You also have a lot of wonderful vocabulary but I'm gonna warn you not to overdo it - a highly specific word has its place when you wanna express a complex or specific idea concisely (or it's needed for the sake of rhythm), but in a place where its just acting as a direct synonym for a simpler word, just use the simpler word. Don't overcomplicate, or else your readers will be distracted from your content by your form and you run the risk of appearing pretentious.

3
Dusty_DeathOP•

I'm of the opinion that rhythm and rhyme add a lot to a piece.

Agreed. I normally write in form.

Not overdoing the vocab is good advice, but

you run the risk of appearing pretentious.

I kind of am lol.

Thank you for your critique, though. I think those are helpful comments, and I'll try to refine it a bit.

3
Knott_A_Haikoo•

HAH!

I kind of am

Grade A sass my man!

I would like to disagree with the above. I think you should turn the first three stanzas into prose, or at least have them only constricted by length of the medium you're writing in, and then end with the 4th stanza as is. The imagery is beautiful because it happens in a moment. Don't break with moment with unnecessary lines.

Once a philosopher puzzled: what if the skin of marble really feels as delicate as a dandelion floret lilting on the breeze, and hardens only at my finger’s touch?  
And what if marble's interior really drips clearer than a winter’s runnel channeled through the glade until it meets my gaze then evaporates like obsidian clouds?    
And what if marble really roils like pulver through the air, swims as particles of dust to clutch the gilded rods of sun only to return to the shape of shadow when I am there?
So I see you seated
in the glittering window
sipping the dust
of dead leaves --
a silhouette,
a statue,
a dream.

I think it could work, but feel free tell me otherwise.It's your baby after all. Thanks for sharing!

2
Dusty_DeathOP•

Oh, I somewhat despise prose poetry, so that won't happen. lol I'm not a talented enough poet to do such a loose form well.

The imagery is beautiful because it happens in a moment. Don't break with moment with unnecessary lines.

Ah, but wouldn't the speaker of this poem disagree with you? Isn't he someone who overanalyzes moments, who is paralyzed to inaction, who would rather think about this woman and come up with three separate philosophical metaphors to explain his relationship rather than trying to fix it? She's a silhouette, a statue, a dream to him; a thing with only form and no sense. He's trying to puzzle her out slowly, methodically, not all in one moment. That's how I feel about it anyway :)

2
crucialmind•

As with the other commenters, I really liked the metaphor and imagery here. In the first stanza, I would cut "and hardens" and add it to the final line to match more closely the final line of stanza two (I think it fits the form better). I also might think about cutting the starting word "Once", and going right in from there!

Love the line "sipping the dust of dead leaves" so much.

3
Dusty_DeathOP•

I think those are great suggestions. I considered cutting the entire first line actually, but I like your edit better. Thanks so much!

1
Kooister•

lightly applauds

The beginning is very strong. Your expression of marble as dandelion fields and evaporated clouds is fantastic.

I was puzzled at the obsidian clouds.

The latter half is more complex, but I think there you're making us work for meaning.

I think your style fits the poem. Am very pleased to have read this. Wonderful [:

2
Dusty_DeathOP•

Thank you!

And yes, I was afraid that the obsidian clouds bit might not even make sense. Fears justified! :)

Good feedback, though, thank you.

1
johnc31east•

Very Nice! Taking one object and filtering it through many lenses is not easy. And I'm willing to bet that were the author go through one more swipe at cutting all unnecessary words, this very good poem could become a very great poem.

2
Dusty_DeathOP•

And I'm willing to bet that were the author go through one more swipe at cutting all unnecessary words

Well, I may just do that :) Thanks so much for you kind words!

1