Source
r/OCPoetry•
paulmo07

To Be Yours

Feedback Received!

I don't care

that you only liked

to have sex with the lights off

so you couldn't

see me. and

I don't care

that you regretted every

second of it after.

my memories of you

aren't built up of

sadnesses, anymore.

instead, now,

of moments when

I thought

"Wow...

I'm so lucky

to be yours."

Been drinking a bit and felt like writing something. So, I'll ask you all to excuse me for using this reddit a bit as a place for me to post these "venting" poems. Hope you all like it, hate it, or feel anything from it.

12

Posted May 24, 2017, 9:09 PM UTC

24
EmilyBuchanan•

The first half of the poem is intriguing, and I enjoyed the narrator's tone. The repetition of 'I don't care' works well, and you effectively paint the situation the narrator is in.

For me personally the last few lines are a jarring change from the emotion in the first half. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but I feel as though the last three lines could be changed slightly to create a bigger impact.

Overall, an interesting poem filled with mixed emotions.

1
paulmo07OP•

Hey, thanks for your response! I kind of wanted the lines to be a juxtaposition from one part to the next... I was a bit inspired by these poems from the book Wicked by Gregory Maguire, that one of the characters read. They were basically just regular poems with a nice message, with a very severe change in tone in the last line, that usually carried a strong political tone. It's meant to be quite abrupt, in the book, but obviously I wanted to go for something different.

I wrote this in about 30 seconds, so I'll go back tomorrow in the morning and try and see what I can do to change it. Thank you, again, for reading and for your comment!

2
Dusty_Death•

So, I'll ask you all to excuse me for using this reddit a bit as a place for me to post these "venting" poems

I think you probably won't find a better place to share any sort of poem you'd like.

I think this is a nice poem, but lacks the power of specificity. A good exercise might be to flip perspectives and write from the ex's point of view. Check out Robert Lowell's "To Speak of Woe that is in Marriage." Really great example of how (drunken) confessional poetry can shine with extreme specificity. And keep writing!

1
paulmo07OP•

Hi! Sorry for the delay in my response. Thank you for your comment!

At first I kind of regretted having even posted this poem on here because I felt I have better that I could have offered and that it was almost a waste of time. Now, I'm still not necessarily happy for having shared it, but I'm glad to receive comments like yours that make me think of something I hadn't thought of before. I think that vague is something that I, as a writer, tend to be a little too often. Looking at some of my other "work" after reading your comment, it's a recurring theme, and something that I will work on! "The power of specificity" is really an excellent way to phrase it. After having read the poem you recommended, I definitely see what you mean.

As for writing something from the ex's point of view, that is something I will keep in mind, but am not necessarily at a point at which I would feel comfortable doing, yet.

Thank you, again, for your comment!

1