Source
r/OCPoetry•
TRKillShot

High Hopes

Feedback Received!

Hi there! I wrote these lyrics in attempt to portray my cynicism haha. Nonetheless, I tried to incorporate in various references to culture and other works :). Thanks for reading!

The faded flag,
Hanging dead.
Unrealized dreams,
I have fed.
 
The meaning lost,
Half-mast woe.
I reap the fields,
I have sown.
 
Hopes set high
Scattered, we fly
 
The gutter crown,
Never worn.
Discounted paths,
I will mourn.
 
The mighty civ,
Returned earth.
My destined fate,
I have earned.
 
Hopes set high
Scattered, we fly
 

Links to feedback: 1 and 2

Posted May 29, 2017, 5:39 PM UTC

15
ActualNameIsLana•

I enjoyed "gutter crown". The rest is far too nebulous and abstract to have any real impact.

2
MrsEnglishteacher•

I really enjoy the short lines. You've clearly picked your words carefully.I think the line "Never worn" seems off for some reason. Maybe because the lines before it have more syllables.

You have a lot of strong imagery, but I can't figure out the main idea or theme of the poem. I agree with the abstract comment from below.

2
TRKillShotOP•

I guess I took the ambiguity a bit far. The main idea was to establish something "The faded flag, hanging dead" and juxtapose it with an aspect of myself, "unrealized dreams, I have fed". More in depth, "Meaning lost, half-mast woe"--there's no meaning in a flag at half-mast everyday. Juxtaposed with "I reap the fields, I have sown"--meaning that all that happens to me is my fault, just as it is society's fault when flags are raised to half-mast (tragedy and loss of life), and when said flag loses its meaning (because it's so frequently at half-mast).

Basically, I was trying to more eloquent ly say not to get high hopes, because it won't work out.

1
ArtsyAthlete•

Yeah there are some strong points. Specifically "the gutter crown" and "unrealized dreams I have fed." But the a lot of the poem doesn't carry much weight. Keep it up though there is a lot of potential here.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
TRKillShotOP•

References:

Hopes high , scattered we fly: The Tower of Babel, when people became ambitious--trying to build a tower into Heaven--and God scattered and divided them.

Gutter crown, never worn: King Frederick William IV of Prussia did not accept the crown of a unified Germany when offered to him by the Frankfurt parliament. He claimed that he wouldn't accept the "crown from the gutter" and Germany remained ununified, a collection of small states, until Otto Von Bismarck began Germany's period of conquest and reunification, which directly led to WW1. One could argue, that if he'd accepted the crown, WW1 may have been prevented and Europe would be very different.

The mighty civ, returned earth: This line is a direct reference to Ozymandias by Percey Shelley, specifically the line "Look upon my works ye mighty and despair", although the sentiment of the piece is layered throughout my poem.

1