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r/OCPoetry•
iamveryfrightened

Maritime Law [Feedback Request]

Feedback Received!

I wrote this same poem twice, once in free verse with a very loose rhyming scheme, and once in iambic pentameter and a strict rhyming scheme. Which one do you think is better? The metred one definitely flows better, but maybe loses some of the liberties of the free verse.

The sea my darkened mistress swirling for

A Freudian euphemism, useless in the world

It bleaches with salt the rocks on the tidal basins

And scrapes clean the sandstone of its pride

And in these terrible reliquaries I reside.

In these tempestuous crab nations I make my place

And with the sea urchin merchants I drink and tire

With smashed wine bottles and overlaid bonfires

With eventuous celebration we set our pace

In the floodlight of a maritime lawn, and its torches ensconced

We pace our moonlit promenation, and drink our disguises,

Fling out the shells and cry out in the night, as is our wont

We read letters from our ancient betters, and murmur chastises

Whatever can be held in an Oxford English dictionary

Is our sick and tired religion. What shakes the institution

Rend us discord and sow our terrible estuary

This is our maritime law, and this is our tradition

To undo tradition where it stands, riven

and drink the oceanic nights to oblivion.

and here's the second:

The sea my darkened mistress swirling for

a Freudian euphemism implored

and useless in the world and more adored.

It bleaches the rocks with salt on its tides

and clean it scrapes the sandstone of its pride;

Terrible reliquaries to reside.

In these tempestuous crab nations find

me, making my place, horribly designed,

and with the sea urchin merchants in mind

with smashed wine bottles, overlaid bonfires

maritime lawns, torches ensconced in briars.

We pace our moonlit promenades by pyres

the shells we bring for to make disguises.

We read our betters, to speak chastises.

Whatever can be held that is wise is

in the Oxford English dictionary.

Our sick and tired faith is this library

to rend and sow discord estuaries,

what shakes the institution makes

our maritime law, and tradition shakes

tradition where it stands, until riven.

We drink oceanic nights to oblivion.

here are my critiques:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6e2ure/drunken_grace/di8r577/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/6e7msp/black_zion/di8qpg2/

Posted May 30, 2017, 9:12 PM UTC

16
EmilyBuchanan•

I agree with what you said. The second flows better, but loses its natural feel, and some lines break in odd places. For example,

In these tempestuous crab nations find

me, making my place, horribly designed,

The break made me read it over twice and for me didn't really work. With the beautiful imagery you create about the sea and sea creatures, I think that the naturally flowing free verse works better.

Overall, a great poem with amazing imagery!

1
ActualNameIsLana•

This would be a really interesting comparison to make, if I could tell which one was supposed to be consistently rhymed with consistent iambic meter. Unfortunately, I can't. Do with that what you will, but I think if I were you, I would take my answer from that. There are major problems with meter and rhyme in both examples. It feels like you're fighting the meter in both texts.

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iamveryfrightenedOP•

I'm not great with meter. I was pretty sure that the second was consistent, at least in meter, but definitely in rhyme.

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ActualNameIsLana•

Sorry to be a buzzkill but it isn't. The meter is all over the place. The rhymes are more consistent, but you have definite rhymes in the first version too, and without stanza demarcations, it's difficult to see the unusual tercet monorhymes that comprise the first 3/4 of the poem. But then the last four lines aren't tercets either, just four lines in rhymed couplets. This could work in theory, behaving much like the volta at the end of a sonnet, but the lack of meterical consistency further obscures the rhyming pattern, making it more of a bug than a feature. It seems like this is a piece that is fighting being in a particular meter and a particular rhyme pattern.

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iamveryfrightenedOP•

So should I just abandon the meter and rhyme completely? By the by, where does one learn more specifically about meter?

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ActualNameIsLana•

In my experience, meter is best learned by doing. This is a good place to check whether your meters are being scanned the way you intended.

But another way to look at it is that you already know meter, because you speak English fluently. You've just got to start paying attention to the natural rhythms you already obey on instinct.

A really good example of how this can go wrong is by looking at some very small portions of your poem in isolation.

"Freudian euphemisms" is one such example. There is no way any person reasonably says those two words in iambic meter. Either one would be forced to put emphasis on the wrong syllables in "Freudian":

[froy-DEE-un YOO-fum-IZ-umz]

or one is forced to put emphasis on the wrong syllables in "euphemisms"

[FROY-dee-UN yoo-FUM-iz-UMZ]

The natural way of saying those words doesn't fall into a pattern of stressed-unstressed. Here's the way, fwiw, I naturally say those two words:

[FROY-dee-un YOO-fum-IZ-umz]

For me, "Freudian" is one strong stress followed by two weaker stresses. A type of metrical foot called a dactyl. "Euphemisms" is a word that, for me does alternate stressed-unstressed. So, depending on what happens before it, "euphemisms" could be used in iambic meter. For instance "I used a euphemism for his junk" is a sentence in iambic pentameter. But placed before "Freudian", it doesn't work.

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