Dear Diary, wish me luck

So, it's been like a year since I posted here. I doubt anyone remembers it, it was just me ranting about my feelings at the time. But I got cold feet last year and ghosted my gender therapist and first endo appointment and just sort of repressed my feelings.

Obviously that didn't work. I got progressively more depressed over the course of the year and ended up dropping out of school and leaving my partner of two years in an attempt to figure out what it was in my life that made me want to stop living.

The last few months have been super dark for me. I was crashing with my parents in my old bedroom and didn't have the willpower to do... Anything. At all. I just binged netflix and tried to escape into a fantasy word where I didn't want to slit my wrists.

But then something happened... I was watching YouTube or something and stumbled into the trans section and everything came flooding back. Last year the same thing happened and I had a major panic attack and felt like my life was over. But this was different.

The same way that my first realizing I was trans brought on a mountain of worry and stress and threatened to uproot my life overnight, this time hearing other people tell their stories and feeling them echo in my soul lifted all of my depression and self loathing off of my shoulders.

Last year figuring out I was trans was terrifying and stressful and seemed like the end of the world. But remembering what I'd tried to hide from myself was almost a spiritual experience. It feels as though the last year I've been stuck in a dream. A dream in the dark, underwater, where everything is distant and slow and far removed from my life.

But I'm awake now. I feel hopeful for the first time since... I can remember, really. I'm not scared or nervous or plagued with the doubt I used to have. I'm alive.

So I'm moving forward, trying to piece together the neglected fragments of my life that my dark dream world left for me.

My grandmother had been helping me financially before all of this and she used to be the relative I felt closest to, but I've been avoiding her for months now. At first because I didn't want to share how miserable I felt and then because as time went on and the weeks turned into months of not calling her I was scared of reaching out and hearing how hurt she felt that I'd abandoned her.

I was depressed and hated myself and knew that she would echo my own thoughts of how much I'd let her down and I couldn't deal with that emotionally.

But I'm going to call her today. I need to get some paperwork from her to pick up the things she is no longer helping me with like my car and health insurance.

And she is going to ask why I've been avoiding her for so long. And I'm going to tell her. I'm going to tell her everything and I don't know how she will react. She will be the first member of my family that knows, though I'm out to all my friends. It's a step towards making all of this real, I guess.

I have an appointment with a doctor later this month to finally start hrt and I'm excited, not scared, by that. But this conversation im going to have today is terrifying.

Wow. This ended up way longer than I intended. Umm... Thanks to anyone who read it all. I'll post again later to let everyone know how it went, if anyone wants. It was just so thereputic to get all of this off my chest. Hopefully I'll post more often as I start my transition!