Just. Fucking. Eggs.

Listen.

If we're going to have a serious discussion around cooking, you got to know how to cook a simple fucking egg. Over easy and scrambled. Go.

Over Easy: Take out your pan. What pan? You need a non stick one. Teflon works. Ceramic is nice. Heat it on medium. . Don't put the egg in yet. Wait. Don't put the egg in yet. Wait like 5 minutes. The pan isn't hot enough. Get butter. Salted plain stick of butter. Do you have a tub of margarine in the fridge? Yes? Throw it away. I don't care if it's less calories. It's less calories because it's mixed with water. Butter is better. Tub o' butter is crap. Now, is the pan hot? Shit, how do I know? Put half a tablespoon of butter in the pan. Eyeball it. How quick does it melt? Pay attention to that. It will tell you how hot the pan is. When the butter starts to bubble just a bit, the pan is ready. Crack an egg into the center of the pan. It should immediately start turning white. If it's crackling and popping the heat is too hot. This is bad. There should be no brown on this egg. Cooking the protein too fast makes it hard and tough. Remember your mistake for next time. You need a scraper now. Don't use metal it'll ruin the nonstick pan. A soft pliable bowl scraper is what to use. Why? You want to cook the white faster than the yolk. Poke the white gently to open it up to the bottom of the pan. Don't spread the white around the pan. Keep it together while accelerating the cooking of the white. 2 minutes or so passes. The white should be almost done near the middle of the egg. The whites that are right next to the yolk should still be clear. Pick up the pan. Shake the pan. Does the whole egg move? Good. Is the white stuck? Bad. You either used not enough butter, or the pan was too cold when you put the egg in. Remember this for next time. The yolk should be firmly attached to the white. This means that the white is cooked under the yolk enough to support flipping. Flip the egg. Don't use a spatula, pussy. You'll look like a badass when you toss the egg and flip it. How? It's all in the wrist. Commit to the flip. It takes practice and some eggs on the floor. Google it.

Egg is now over. Finally. 45 seconds to a minute more. Now is when you salt and pepper. Did you salt the raw egg? Why? I didn't tell you to. That is bad form. Remember this for next time.

Slide the egg into a place. Eat that shit with buttered toast (not tub o butter cuz that's supposed to be in the trash.)

Scrambled.

Leave the milk in the fridge. Milk is a shortcut to crap. Leave the bowl in the cupboard. Don't waste a dish.

Heat. Same as for the over easy egg. Butter. Same as for the over easy egg. Scraper. Use it and use it a lot.

After your pan is hot. Crack an egg into the pan. NOW STIR THAT SHIT. Stir that son of a bitch. Quickly. Break the yolk and mix it all together. Take the pan off the heat to stir. Put back on the heat until you see more cooking happening. Continue to stir on and off the heat. The idea here is to keep the eggs cooking in as small of pieces as possible. We're going for creamy here. Whoever calls scrambles eggs fluffy isn't eating a scrambled egg. They're eating quiche. Fuck quiche. Keep stirring as the egg thickens on and off the heat. Just before they are completely dry and cooked, pull them off the pan, salt, and eat with buttered toast (not tub o butter, that's still in the trash).

Cook eggs like this and you'll be the breakfast master.