Retracing My Steps of Life

I don't even know where to start. I feel like I should open up, but at the same time I don't want to bother my friends with information that they've already heard time and time again. I just want to free form write about how I feel and how I turned out this way. I don't blame you if you aren't interested.

My depression started becoming apparent to me when I was about 11 years old, almost 7 years ago. I currently live in Maryland, but I used to live in Georgia between the 2nd to 5th grade. I didn't have any friends in school, since I was different and considered one of the smarter kids. Outside of school, I only had two real friends who were older than I was by a few years. During school though, I would just draw. I'd even make my own books for my own entertainment. It's kinda how I got my username actually, the most used character was named Jase. I don't know if any of you watched the animations on Stickpage.com, but the Killing Spree series is where I got the idea for the name, and I've stuck with it since.

I lived with my mother and aunt as well as my two cousins, but after a year and a few months my mom and I got our own place. It didn't last for long because my mother had health issues as well as getting laid off from her job, so we had to come back home to Georgia. When we got back, I got a phone call. My closest friend, Devon, and his father had died in a car accident. Even to this day, I remember being in the U-haul van, and being asked if I wanted to say goodbye to him before we moved. It was early in the morning, and I thought to myself that it wouldn't be long before I heard from him again, so I said no. I wasn't even able to attend the funeral. I still can't forgive myself for not being there for him, like his other friends were.

Today, I live with perfectionism, or at least some form of it. I've posted here before talking about how I never feel like what I do is enough as a League of Legends player. Nothing's changed. It feels like anything I do will never amount to what Devon had planned to do with his life. I just graduated from high school recently, and I still have no idea what I want to do with myself. I'll probably always live in the shadow of them.

The worst part is that I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm so trapped with my mindset that I feel like I'm bothering people when I attempt to open up to them about it. Friends have even said that they feel helpless, or that it feels like nothing they say has any effect on me. I've even been to therapy, multiple times, and nothing's changing. It often feels like the only way out is death, but then I'd just be an eternal burden on people. Whether I'm dead or alive, I'll always be a problem, because nothing's ever good enough.

I play games like League of Legends and Smite for that reason. I want to actually become good at them and have a reason to be proud of myself, but I'm incapable. I've even resorted to cutting myself if I play badly for a long period of time in the past, because it feels like that's what I deserve. I can't even get better at a video game that I put all of my time into daily, I do deserve some sort of denigration in that regard. I'll be easier on myself when I actually begin to make progress toward a goal I set for myself for once.

In moments of extreme sadness, I'm incapable of crying. I was always taught that crying is a sign of weakness, and I was the only male in a primarily female household. Now, I physically can't do it sometimes. As such, I always felt like I should be able to deal with things on my own. I still do, even with depression, it feels like I'm only inconveniencing people with my problems. I've even considered not even posting this through me typing for the past twenty minutes. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever experience true happiness again, and not just momentarily. I'm just stuck, and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I feel contempt for myself and why I turned out this way. I want to know what I did to deserve this.