I feel guilty ...

... which is why I keep everything bottled up inside me. I don't want other people to feel sad because of me, but at the same time all I want to do is scream for help.

I want to rest. I want silence. I just want to fucking rest.

Nobody knows what is going on up there. When they ask and I try to explain, they all just say "You've always been a little crazy!" "You just think too much!" "It's all in your head!" What they don't understand is, IT IS all in my head and I can't control it anymore.

They say, "You're sad because you only think about sad thoughts." "You're depressed because you're so negative." That's right. All I can think about are sad thoughts because my mind won't let me be happy.

I don't even know what happiness is anymore. Do you want to know what it's like for me? Do you want to know what it's like when there are a thousand thoughts whizzing through your brain at once?

I'm writing a post for Reddit. I wonder if people will read my post. I wonder how many people are online on Reddit right now. I see my lamp. This is a really good song. Sucks they canceled Sense8. I'm resting my feet on my clothes box. Why am I resting my feet on my clothes box? I'm going to close my eyes a bit. Should I sleep now? I probably should. It's happening again. The questioning. I am aware that I'm thinking all of these things. I am also aware that I just told myself to think about all of these things. Why did I just tell myself to think about all of these things? I mean what is happiness? Am I happy? Am I just telling myself I'm happy? Am I just thinking that I'm not happy? Why am I thinking that I'm just thinking I'm not happy? That pizza from earlier was good. I'm fat. I regret eating that. Why am I sad? Am I even really sad? Or am I just thinking it?

That's what it's like. That's what it's like every second. I just want to rest. Please just let me rest.

I'm crying again. I don't even know why I'm crying. Will I ever find love? I want to love. I want to be passionately in love. But how? How can someone love me? How can someone love me when even I don't love myself? I just want to rest. Please just let me.