I have zero doubts about the realness of my monster anymore [rant]

tw: drugs, bad trips

So, the other night I tripped on 100ug of acid with my boyfriend and a friend. No big deal, I've tripped before. I was actually pretty excited. The whole things was going okay, until I found myself in the bathroom.

The infamous fucking mirror.

The mirror is a bad idea for ANYONE taking LSD, but imagine standing The for an hour, clutching your body fat until it hurts, having your inner demon manifest into a real person before your eyes, screaming at you for doing this to them. I hate my boobs like nothing else now; I've never hated them that much, but they're like cow udders to me now. I hate them. They take up space and I want them gone. My stomach, my thighs, I've SEEN how good I'd look without them, even if I've never been underweight in real life. I've seen what I look like bony and tiny, that's the REAL me, and she was so... angry at me.

And then I started bawling for another hour, because I realized I'll never be able to escape my own head, and that no one on this earth has said anything so awful that it can even be compared to the things I've said to myself. No one has ever been so cruel to me, and I would NEVER be so cruel to someone else.

And yet, I'm still overweight.

Fuck, I need emotional help.