Wanting to Disappear

Have you ever felt like you're too afraid to die, yet too empathetic to numb yourself, that you just...want to disappear somehow. I've currently deactivated my facebook, twitter , and haven't contacted anyone at all. I feel like I want my existence in the world to be erased simply because...I don't feel like I have a place in it anymore.

A bit of context - A friend and I grew apart because of some stupid things - I partly blame myself for it, but not fully. If I wasn't too self-conscious and actually saw that they were doing their best for me rather than feel like nothing was ever enough because I kept /giving/ , maybe she wouldn't have gotten tired of me . I don't blame my past self, she didn't know any better. I blame the me now. I just want to go back to maybe correct anything, but I know I couldn't change the past, and only work for a better future.

I just miss her. She's still there, all my friends are still here but...distant. She's gotten closer to her roomate who she started living with ever since she and I started the our short break. Before, it was me and her. Now it's them.

I feel like I've lost my place....and not just because they're them. I think I've lost myself the past few years trying to be enough for people, unable to see I already was. Now that it's too late, I've forgotten what it was like to just be the me without a mask. It's lonely just wandering around. It's like I've drifted away from the 'me' meant to be here, and I've drifted too far that she's gone. And so is my place in this world.