Source
r/quittingkratom•
Pflits

Suicidal Ideation

Either you get it, or you don't, personally I get it. When I stopped drinking I kept, in the trunk of my car, half a bottle of jack and 2 cans of miller, for that "just in case moment", that moment never came. On my one year anniversary I told my sponsor about it, her and I dumped it out together, (kinda smelled like shit). I did my time and I was done, done with being arrested, done with being in jail done with the anger, and to this day I have managed to not drink. I was single lady then so that helped with doing my own thing, I have always been a high functioning user. About 1 year into my sobriety I meet my husband, he was also sober, we married a few years later and today have five kid's, four here with us and one in heaven. We have been through so much over the last 20 years and that man has stayed committed too me, and me too him, because he has his shit, too.

My point, I was willing and ready to leave ALL of that during the last six months of my Kratom use, my family, they knew I used it, I had them convinced that it was natural, I hide it like a boss, or so I thought. The night it came to a head I lost my temper, that shit scared me. I had that bottle of pills, I knew it was time to take them and save my family from the misery of me but, once again here comes my man, and my son.. "Mom, you need help," Hubby said too me, "I can't live without you". Not twenty minutes later we left for the hospital and I was admitted to be detoxed.. I have never been open to talk about feelings, but I need to change that because my guy, my kid's, my family, well they need me.. I am so thankful.

Hang in there, please, you are loved and you are needed.

If you read this entire message, thank you. If you skimmed through to find a message, thank you.

Posted Jun 7, 2017, 3:39 PM UTC

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kratom222MOD quit 6/15/16•

I really FEEL every one of these words. You and I crossed many of the same roads with our kratom addiction. We have a lot in common.

I was ready to throw a beautiful 17 years relationship in the trash because I was so manic and depressed and crazy at the end of my use. I was so mixed up, I was blaming my partner for everything.....I now see very clearly it was all me. Every speck. I am still making amends......

And I also felt suicidal for a few weeks after the acutes ended. I was just so lost and felt I'd fucked so many things up. Little did I know those moods were also connected to my neurotransmitter imbalances......kratom did a real number on them in my case.

I am SOOOO happy you are making these realizations.....they are the same ones I had to make, too. I had to change how I operated. I cannot risk another addiction.

I hear people comparing kratom to opiates to oxy to alcohol to benzos and saying one is superior to the other, etc, etc......FUCK THAT.......all addictions rob us of the very basic beauty and functionality of a normal life. Leaving in it's wake a very disheveled and incomplete being. Every one of us deserves better......and we have to choose it ourselves.

All that and I was a "high functioning addict" too.....until I wasn't. Good luck OP......I am cheering for you big time!

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PflitsOPCT 5-27-2017•

I am starting to feel too, that we have alot in common. You swear like a sailor and I like that, I don't around the kid's or course but tend to be a bit mouthy sometimes. I am so happy you made the realizations, too. I want to be where you are today and plan to work hard to achieve. My town, fortunately is bigger than a postage stamp and has a meeting tonight I am going to hit, I need it.

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kratom222MOD quit 6/15/16•

LMAO .....yeah, in real life people would be shocked that I enjoy swearing like a sailor. I usually tamp it down a lot (unless I am around the other sailors) ;-)

Well good for you on the meeting. I came really close to returning to AA but the quality is just degraded here. Everyone is court ordered and has no desire to be there. What ever happened to "a program of attraction and not promotion"? crazy.

Keep up the great work. You'll absolutely get to where I am now.

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betterdaysahead51MOD Quit 10/10/16•

This was a tremendously brave post. So very glad to hear you are still here. You are loved and you are needed. I have been in your shoes and I know that depth of despair, so I am very grateful for your honesty and your strength to find your way through. Hugs!!

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PflitsOPCT 5-27-2017•

I am at the point in my life where I need to start telling people that I love them, and need them, I don't have to feel so isolated anymore! Thank you.

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betterdaysahead51MOD Quit 10/10/16•

That is a wonderful thing to hear. It's amazing how much joy we can feel after we've reached such a state of despair. So glad you are doing so well now!!!

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betterthanjordan•

Wow....that puts things in perspective. I haven't had to deal with 10% of the shit you've been through. That post took a lot of guts and is a reminder to me while I break free from this that everything is going to be just fine. Thank you and best of luck to you and your family. My family needs me too. I know that.

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PflitsOPCT 5-27-2017•

They do, You can be free, it's not going to a merry-go-round of pleasantry because dealing with and accepting our addictions is hard. We are all brave!

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PflitsOPCT 5-27-2017•

*** And, set goals, make sure some of those goals are fun.. One of mine is too out fish my brother's, I did only ONCE river fishing, I brought in a 21 inch small mouth, but darnit it needs to happen more often.

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pickled_lead•

This. Thank you for your personal honesty.

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AdviceNeededddd•

Having a support system is key, especially one that is understanding instead of demeaning. Some people have this idea that quitting isn't a big deal and after a week you wake up feeling refreshed and healthy. They don't understand, especially with long term users, that it's like living in a brand new world, you start to notice things more, your own home seems so unattached, you don't know how you should feel. I know for me it was really hard to deal with and I relapsed after two different completely sober 3-4 weeks. I still wasn't sleeping and just started to drink to just change reality. Alcohol is a drug and considered a relapse according to NA. I guess I felt it was better than regarding on pills. I had a on and off relationship with a girl, she didn't buy into addictions as a real diease and thought it was just an excuse. However, even though I never got her support, when I was finally clean the only time I felt good was when I was with her. I'm currently trying to taper off multiple drugs, opiates, benzos, and Adderall. I still take Adderall and am tapering opiate use with low tramadol doses and kratom. Kratom is definitely not a long time opiate to stay on, however, I do act more normal on kratom than other opiates. I don't feel the high per say, but it makes me want to get out of bed and deal with society.

Getting off opiates is so hard, I sometimes wish I was addicted to meth or cocaine instead as the withdrawals aren't nearly as bad, its mainly dealing with cravings and the mental aspect. I have stopped taking Adderall and feel some depression and sleepiness, but after a few days you are fine. Any long term opiate user won't feel normal for months, and the first two weeks of withdrawals drive you to the point of contemplating suicide.

I would love to go to a 90 day program, but our govt makes it too expensive and it's never covered under insurance. Then how do you explain the long gap of unemployment on your resume when you finished 90 days and finally feel ready to live life clean? The govt just tried to ban it all but doesn't do anything about rehabilitation. Detoxing in a jail cell isn't exactly going to work longterm. I went to a nice rehab place overseas when I had the money, I paid cash and was there for about three weeks. It wasn't long enough, esp since I did a quick taper and left there still unable to sleep, still had loose stool, still had those insanely hard sneezes, and had big time anxiety but I had to return to work. What was interesting is most of the other members were from Australia or Canada, their insurance paid for it. Although it seemed like everyone there were wealthy or had wealthy parents.

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