[UPDATE] I need to leave, need help from you guys.

I don't think an update is necessary, but I may as well for sanity's and closure's sake.

Finally was able to spit out that I found two more profiles (OKCupid and Adam4Adam). He explained why he had been online OKCupid, saying he got an e-mail and clicked it and it had automatically logged him in. He deleted it after I brought this up right then.

Adam4Adam didn't go so well. He asked to see the profile, claiming he hadn't been on it for over a year. I showed him and he immediately denied it was him (picture is a faceless body pic in underwear with no background that's identifiable). He insisted it wasn't him and showed me his abs and such saying that they aren't even the same body type. He sorta laughed it off and found it humorous that I thought it was him, saying things like "I'm flattered you think I have abs like that," etc. He said a few more things about hwo the profile wasn't him. I asked him to show me his e-mail for proof (that's where he does all his infidelity related things). He refused at first and started talking about how my approach is bad and it wasn't him. I insisted he show me proof. He said he would and got his phone out but tried to digress, telling me we should look up some conflict resolution and such instead right now. I insisted again and he finally backed out of the okcupid email into his main inbox and the first few e-mails were messages from Adam4Adam with the profile name matching the profile I had showed him.

He finally fessed. Said he had not hooked up with anyone physically, but he has a large urge to message guys and sext because it turns him on and he's ashamed of it. We talked abotu how this isn't a monogamous relationship and how I need a monogamous relationship. I told him I was pretty sure that he was going to cheat on me in the future if we stayed together. He agreed that he feared the same thing. I left then.

But I doubled back as soon as I walked out because I just felt so horrible and especially about how horrible he was feeling. I couldn't just leave him like that. So I went back to assure him that I knew these actions didn't reflect who he was as a person. I know he's not a terrible or malicious person. I know he must feel that he is, though. He's really an amazing, caring, extremely empathetic person. I know he hid it from me because he knows how much it would hurt me and he just can't control himself right now. I assured him that I knew it was early on in his diagnosis and his difficulties with this do not reflect his capabilities or his future. I know he has a lot more to work on and a lot of time ahead of him to work on it. I know he has a better future than his present and I know he will get a handle on it eventually. I know it's a process and the situation isn't at all black and white or defining of him as the amazing person he is. I know he can do it. I just know that I can't be in a non-monogamous relationship. It is a situation I cannot handle for my own mental health.

This was and is really fucking tough. I love him so much. I wish I could be with him. Maybe he'll get a handle on it and we can be together in the future. Just not now.

Thanks for letting me vent.