These thoughts aren't normal. I'm just a burden.

Seeing people go about their lives "normally" absolutely blows my mind. I have no idea how they do it. Maybe my S/O enables me to be a lazy piece of shit because he just wants to help. I know he would never tell me anything like "You need to get a job", "I'll leave you if you're not productive to society", etc. I almost feel like it would help me or force me to do normal, every day things. I also know that I might be heartbroken and slouch into an even deeper depression. It's not only that I'm unemployed. I don't do anything. I shower every couple of weeks lately, it takes every fiber of my being to do every day things like make food that's not easily popped into the microwave (much less leave the house for groceries), etc. I mean, nothing matters, really. Except him. I think I'd be dead for a few years now if he didn't save me. Maybe he knows that. I want to die to help him in the long run, I'm a burden. I know he loves me and would never admit to me or himself that, that is the case. But I do absolutely nothing for him and he knows that. We're hardly ever intimate because of my self-hatred. I have no idea how he puts up with this. He tells me I'm happy and he even shows it. It's like he has blinded himself to the fact that I'm worthless because he loves me. I don't know why or how he loves me. Sometimes I think it's because he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe it's because he thinks he won't find another person that has interests that fit his nearly perfectly. He is amazing and he deserves so much better. I'm really just ranting on but god, I need to get this out of my system. I just want to be normal after nearly 11 years of struggling with this stupid mental illness.