Not sure if this belongs here...

Hello... I hope rants are ok here.

I'm trying my best to go to university this fall, mainly so I can get away from my house. I have no real friends, I stay home all the time, and my parents are just super conservative and abusive. I feel a little bad that a big reason I'm going off to university is just to finally escape instead of getting an education (I mean that's important as well, but at this point the former seems more important). Basically I plan on living on campus, I don't really care, I'll take loans. I hate home so much.

Thing is there's a lot of things bothering me.

1. Am I worth having happiness? Or at the very least being content with life? Do I deserve love and acceptance? I feel like other people deserve going to university instead of me. It could always be worse

2. Anxiety. Frigging anxiety. I've been battling it since I was 12. I've been housebound, suicidal, alone just because of it over the years. I'm alright now, but I can't help worrying that my anxiety will come back and mess me up so bad that I have to leave university and live with my parents until they marry me off to a Muslim man. I'm on antidepressants/see a therapist and I'm a little worried about healthcare, it's expensive. I don't know how I'll keep it up if I'm away from home. (Currently we don't pay anything because I'm under 18/21 but I don't know what happens after that)

3. Say anxiety wasn't an issue and I do deserve to leave. My parents are going to make it extremely difficult leaving. Like I said I have no true friends, I don't see how I'm going to leave home all alone. My dad doesn't want me to go at all, he believes he owns me until I'm married and my husband owns me, there shouldn't be a phase where I'm "alone".

So yeah, done. If you made it all the way down congrats, lol.