Heres what if feels like to have survives a family member's suicide

On may 13th 2009 my oldest brother hung himself. He thought life would go on with out him, he thought no one would be bothered at all.

Turns out he was wrong at all fronts, life in our family didnt go on, our family fell appart like an unstable atomic structure, some even almost died, some stopped carring. In a sense.. He took more than himself with his senseless death.

I personally go from anger, to pleading, acceptence, bargaining, and run the cycle over and over again.

He left a huge gaping hole in my universe, a void left unfillible. A broken chunk of the universe. ....I cant stop feeling hurt by his suicide. He is my brother, I love him, I miss his smile, his chuckle, I miss him, and I really want the dude back.

When he left us. He took everything away from us. Sometimes I hate him for it, sometimes I want to scream at him about how he stole everything from us just to leave us in agony. Questioning agony

Sometimes I want to hug him, hold him, hell just ask him why the hell he did it..

In the end I am left greiving. Eternaly wounded. As the survivor of a family members suicide. I am left in a broken world, everything gone... And it hurts beyond meaning.

Please. If you ever consider suicide as your only option. Seek help, confide in a family member, a trusted friend, co worker, teacher, seek help.

You are not alone, you are not indifferent to the universe, you are not a mere speck of dust in the cosmic timeline.

You deserve to live, to smile, to cry, to laugh, breath, and enjoy this brief moment in infinity we are afforded. Live, because, even if you dont realize it. There is someone out there who loves you beyond meaning. ...

Every life matters. Please live, you freeken matter.