So very not okay today

Just trying to breathe. I am really just terrified. I'm trying not to stare into my future and assume that it is going to be garbage but I mean, past experience suggests more of the same.

My life just keeps swirling downwards. It keeps slowly inching worse.

Medication after medication has caused horrific reactions. It just happened again last weekend. My doctor is so overwhelmed she can't sort it out and she will be out of the office until Tuesday again so it's another three day weekend without meds that do anything to wait for her to maybe get out from under her pile to be able to figure something out and then maybe mid next week we can try something else which will take days to start to have an effect and then may or may not send me back to ER.

Ugh.

The other option is to go inpatient to get meds sorted but I don't know if I can face the 20+ hours in ER waiting for a bed to open up somewhere in what might be a horrific situation (the last hospital did more harm than good).

So I don't know. I feel like this is all just going nowhere. I hate this system, I hate this illness, I hate feeling stuck and like there is no treatment out there.

I am mostly just scared. I don't want this to be my life. I can't do this much longer. Every for-sure permanent way out looks attractive at the moment. I don't want a chance at rescue.

I'm not going to act on those feelings. I will go to the ER first before I do that. I know there is a chance that someone might be able to sort out my page and a half of med intolerances while I am inpatient. Maybe. There is some hope there. I would give that a go before I gave up. I'm just not ready for the ER dance yet. I can't. Not yet.

Edit: I feel better just for having posted this. I'm not sure why. I guess I just needed it out in the world today. Thanks if you read this.