I don't want to exist anymore

In May I had a severe breakdown. I left my job over it all. I almost checked myself into a psych ward. I don't want to kill myself..or maybe I do? Idk. I have no history of self harm. But I just want to just stop existing. I'm so over it. All I feel like is a burden and a failure.

I've since been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist but the meds are only numbing me? The therapy I feel will help but I've seen him only 2x in the past 2 months and can't see him again until I get on my husbands insurance.

My husbands attitude about it alone is killing me. Ive been in bed for the past week and a half...I'm barely eating, I'm too scared to because of my IBS-D...it's triggered by my anxiety and vice versa. I don't remembered when I showered last. And his response? "Ew. Gross" There's a wedding he wants me to go to tomorrow and I just cant physically or mentally and he says it's disrespectful. I'm so scared he's going to leave me. He doesn't get mental health. I just wish I never existed. He'd be better without me. I know a few friends and family would miss me but they'll get over it... I'm just too chicken shit. I lost my dad to suicide so like I don't want people to live with it like I am. I just wish I could make it look like an accident? I think I just need someone to talk to who isn't going to shame me or tell me to "be strong". I'm tired of being strong