I need some last-ish minute advice. Worth a read.

Obligatory apology for the Wall of Text.

TL;DR for us lazy fucks: I wanted a clean exit, however I've confided in someone that I will CTB and now feel like I've given them a great burden/"rock and a hard place" scenario. They do not know when/how/where. My remains will not be found, I am not putting anyone else at risk or in harm's way.

I don't want to draw too much attention, but I've found myself in a predicament and it can't hurt to hear what you have to say.

Background: I've kept to myself and fallen out of contact with everyone for at least a few months except three people because I haven't been able to hide from everyone. I've all but disappeared in a physical sense, don't really even go outside either. I'm not comfortable sharing any details or specifics, but my plans will take place away from other people and in such a way that my remains cannot be easily recovered. This is because I want a clean getaway and to simply disappear when I exit. I guess vanishing is impossible, but that's the goal.

The issue is that I did tell one person (Person One of the three) that this is my last year. It was nothing specific. This person could tell that something was up. I didn't want to seem like I was dropping hints or "crying for help," so after confirming secrecy, I simply and honestly stated that I was going to be leaving this year (as in dead). Not rally any specific reason/s, and no mention of plans or timeline.

I hadn't planned on leaving a note or message or anything. Now I'm not sure. I trust and am confident that Person One will respect my request for confidentiality. The problem is, I'm also confident that people (Person Two, Three, others?) are going to realize what has happened when I drop off the radar, and then go to Person One to see what this person knows, if anything. Now I feel bad that I've put this person in that position. On one hand, I didn't want to just disappear without this person knowing what happened/saying some kind of goodbye, but now I feel like I've placed a significant burden on this person: both the weight of knowing/secrecy but also the great weight of feeling alone once this person has realized that it's done when the other two start asking about me, and not being able to talk about it.

I didn't and still don't want to lie to Person One, but this weighs heavily on my heart and mind.

I've considered telling these three that I found a job and had to leave town to move there, but that's really only delaying the problem.

After rereading through this, there's really another issue I think is worth addressing, even though it's probably impossible to address: is there any way to control the narrative after I'm dead? One of the reasons I've been preparing and planned on just disappearing is because I want to avoid the bullshit that will/would come from a public/semipublic suicide or whatever.

Y'know, the crying. The hate, frustration, despair and anger at me and each other. The questions, "Whyyyyy (blah blah blah)??" "What else could we have done?" "Why didn't we know?!" and all that other bullshit. Forgetting the shitty memories and parts of me, and instead remembering the leftover bits and pieces they can glue together to make a decent funeral. Replacing their sad, despair, and guilt ridden mental images with the smiling, laughing and silly pictures of us they feel like they have to clip together. Emphasizing positives and overlooking negatives because people want to remember others at their best, instead of as they are for some reason. Most of all though: thinking I'm just some sad, defeated person who "wasn't thinking clearly. They weren't right in the head. Poor staxled." No fucking thanks. Save the pity party, save the guilt, save the shame, save the money, save the time, save the effort.

I guess if I shut the fuck up long enough to get to the point, what I'm asking is this: is there any way to guarantee I don't have a wake/memorial/funeral or service of some kind? I just want the whole thing to blow over as quickly (and QUIETLY) as possible once it's figured out I'm not coming back. Only a couple of people have reached out to me in the months since I've gone "AWOL" and I've ignored them anyway. The only hurdle or road block that I'm facing is if the wrong person finds out and freaks out, sounding the alarm for everyone to hear. "OMG STAXLED IS DEAD! SUICIDE! EVERYBODY GOSSIP ABOUT IT"

Writing all this bullshit out and looking at it makes me wonder if I'm really all that apathetic about it after all. Ugh. Why can't this be easy like in Futurama?