Tired

A friend asked me the other day (you know, when you told me to get friends of my own, I never thought I'd find such great ones) what I saw in you. Was the sex that good? No, I told her. I saw something in you, a vital, vibrant, beautiful spirit. Some days you were the sun and the light of you was overwhelming, the joy of basking in that kind of warmth too profound to explain.

It's been nearly 2.5 years. I've moved on, found a partner who thinks I hung the moon, and who I love deeply - but I haven't forgiven you, or forgotten a single word you said.

I still cringe every time I look in the mirror. My hair is long again, and I remember you telling me I "look like the villain from the Smurfs, with that face and that five-head" with my hair in a ponytail. I wear a ponytail every day for work anyway. I don't choose to believe your cruelty.

I still eat what I want, when I want. When you met me, I was (according to my doctors... but what do they know) underweight. When I left, I was an average weight. I didn't fit in my dresses from when I was underweight. You shamed me for it. After two years of health complications, weight loss, and gaining it back, I'm back up to 140 pounds, at 5'7". I'm not getting concerned looks from my doctors anymore. I'm not fat. I'm not going to let your concept of attractiveness​ shape how I treat myself for the rest of my life.

I eat "messy" food in public again. ("You are not allowed to consume barbecue sauce in public. How embarrassing.")

I game again. (So much easier when I'm not being shamed for asking to use my own computer, or shamed because "I'd rather play with the guys - they're better than you.")

I have so much of my life back, and dreaming about you still just ruins me. I woke up in the middle of the night in a dead panic for what felt like no reason. I thought about it and realized it's because the "dream" I was having where you were nice to me was a nightmare. The whole time, I kept trying to get back to my current partner. Out of your clutches.

You gave me so much. A sense of family, a few wonderful friends... In the end everyone chose you, except me. I had to choose myself, and all the pain that went with that. You haven't taken a thing from me. You've given me a lurking sense of paranoia. Is my partner who I think they are? Do they mean what they say to me? How about my friends? Am I acting "appropriately" right now?

I know I need to forgive and forget - it's not like I have to worry about you reoffending, you haven't spoken to me in more than two years. It's just difficult. Difficult to believe that I may be worthwhile after all, after my nearly two years with you that radically changed my self concept. I'm working on it. It's a daily struggle. I'm trying not to punish others for your mistakes. I just wish you would get out of my head.