Dear Max, part 4:

Well, shit. Breaking up with you has been and continues to be the most 'character developing' experience that I've yet to encounter. Despite everything I've wrote about so far. Despite the things I haven't, like Shae's dad and what he did to us when we were 7. Why is this so fucking hard?

I know why. It's because we have had a new sort of love I have felt before, but better. That's how I suppose all loves happen. You have love, it may fall apart as you grow up in different directions, so you find a new love that matches yours and it feels stronger. And the old one falls away. We are just a few months out of this, after loving one another for nearly 7 years (technically 6.75 years to add to the madness, I just counted the months since Halloween on my fingers). And we have broken up while still being completely in love. Why? Because we are ALMOST perfect. We ALMOST get one another. There's that dilemma of wondering whether we will ever understand one another if we work it out, or whether it will never happen. We have worked on it for many years, and it didn't happen. How long can we wait? Until I'm a wizened old bag and you're a hot dilf? I'm fucked regardless.

This is going to be melodramatic. Bear with me, because I know it's hard for you too.

I begged you to stop doing drugs, because I loved you so much that I wanted you to grow old with me. I wanted to figure out our lives and one day (many, many years from now) have kids and live long enough to see their kids grow up. I wanted so, SO much from you. I understand that may sound crazy. And if it does, it's good that we broke up.

You didn't. You were delightfully honest with me and I'm happy for that, but you didn't change your lifestyle at all. That doesn't make you a bad person. You're a good person, but you weren't ready for what I wanted. So we had to end. We couldn't hold on anymore, our needs were so imbalanced.

We broke up.

This is where I get real melodramatic. I know it was awful on you, and I'm so, so sorry. It has been awful on me. To have someone I'm so painfully in love with, who won't give up a night to be with me. Who won't give up - no, slow down - on cocaine for me. Who doesn't get me. Who shies away from my personal issues and literally reenacts them to get his way. Ya I know you've gotten a lot better, I appreciate that. See previous entires.

I want so much for you to be my perfect love, because in almost all respects, you are. Except you're not yet considerate. Am I asking too much? Have I been too demanding? I need to know these things so that I don't die alone, because I really do want to find my love and have wonderful babies one day.