How messed up am I?

21 years old guy, I have mixed feelings to adds my best friends mom.

For the longest time since my family is very messed up, I've been staying sometimes a couple of days at my best friends house, and it's been like this for almost 2 years. Recently I've became sort of infautuated with her, it's a lot of mixed feeling, I feel like I wanna be around her and talk to her but at the same time nothing really sexual( rarely) I think my infatuation is hiding the fact that I am not that physically attracted to her. But if I will be honest? As a person for the longest time I remember that looks didn't matter to me too much, if you look decent that is enough, personality is what attracts me mostly.

Now she left abroad, she is visiting relatives in the states for 3 weeks. And I can't help but feel depressed.. I am depressed because I fear change and that just like that people leave your life, that while she is traveling and I wish her the best, I am still working a job I don't enjoy.

I don't feel like doing anything anymore, it all feels so hard, pointless, and I just wanna cry..

How do I not feel like shit anymore