The Build Me a Hilarious Character Thread (Not a build request)

Works like this: I have a game tomorrow. Your average Joe standard dungeon crawling adventure. I don't want someone to build me a character. Anyone who comments gets to add something to my character. Any stipulation you like. Currently a blank canvas. Will legitimately turn up at the game with this. Make it excellent. In the worst possible way.

Update: Thanks guys! Cut off point has been reached, I'm putting the character together now. Thanks so much for the laughs, I'll use as many of these as I can (there are some clashes and I also don't want to break the game entirely ;) ). Have been asked for a video of the session, at the very least we'll have a write-up.