i dont know

ive been feeling like crap for a few months now. ive just finished high school and i should be happy because of how bad high school was for me, but i dont. i go out with my friend and it fills that hole making me content, but the next day i feel like absolute shiiit. i cant get up, i dont feel like eating, i am mentally exhausted. its like all my effort is put into making myself seem funny and likable and happy, and my friend knows i have depression but she just hasnt seen the real me. when she does see me go quiet she says 'it makes me sad when youre like this' which makes me feel as if i have to be this fake me, because i appreciate her as a friend and i dont want to lose her.

i also joke about death a lot. like at least every 10 minutes ill send a text or say 'time to die' or 'death'. i say it so much that everyone i talk to seems to think of it as a 'relatable joke' but they dont know that i actually dont want to live.

but thats the thing. i dont want to live but i dont want to die either. im stuck doing this thing called life and i dont feel anything. i dont feel like im really here. i put on a group chat exactly this and i got a response of 'dude youve finished school'. like yes this is a good thing i guess (again i dont really know how i feel because numbness) but its like they dont understand. and i get mad at myself because of this. that i reached out for a second and no one really cared, they didnt really know how i felt and i guess i should have said it better but i just... idk

anyway, im starting college (in uk) next year and i was hoping that it will be better, but looking at it now, its just going to be two more years of hell before i get released into the 'real world' and ill just be lost. i dont know what i want to do with my life and when something pops up in my head, i brush it off because i dont feel worthy of that job etc.

so yep. im kinda just floating in this abyss called life.