Hopelessness did a number on me

To cut a very long story short, I'm 21 & I've been dealing with demons of my own for almost 8-9 months now. My depression has completely changed my life and it left me paralyzed and helpless. Hopeless. It's like my wings were cut off. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything these days and nothing interests me, nothing bothers me. I also lack discipline. Suicidal thoughts keep creeping into my mind but I don't know if I'm too weak to actually do it or if I'm strong enough not to. It feels like my world has turned gray. People used to tell me that I had such a ''bubbly personality'' but that's just gone now. It sounds weird as fuck but people who have been through a similar situation probably know what I'm talking about.

I'm currently in pharmacy school and as far back as I can remember, I had always been an A+ student in highschool. As crazy as it might sound, studying was my passion; I loved to learn and get prepared for all my exams and eventually ace them like they were nothing. It gave me so much joy and peace (Ik, weird af) and it gave me a certain purpose. I didn't have alot of friends back then, I was never one of the cool kids back then, I had never been in a relationship back then, I never considered myself incredibly handsome back then. I just studied like a crazy mofo because that was the only area of my life I had COMPLETE control over (sad, I know but it's true).

I finished high-school with this perfect vision in my head: ''I'm going to nail pharmacy school! I'm going to be a great pharmacist and work in a lab and my accomplishments are going to help people and I'll finish my studies in max. 5 years. This new period is going to be fantastic!! Just you wait!!!''

But soon after entering pharmacy school my grades dropped harrrrd. I failed several exams (on several attempts). I felt out of my element. I wish I would've changed my course then but I was idiotic enough not to and slowly my life spiraled out of control. The people I had contact with, slowly fell out of my life. Certain professors gave me a hard time. I made alot of stupid, stupid mistakes and wasted alot of time (which I regret now). I was unaware of how difficult the finals were going to be and felt underprepared. I never felt ready so I postponed alot of my exams over and over again.

It's been almost five years and I should've been wayyyyy ahead by now. WAY ahead. THAT'S WHAT'S KILLING ME. Everything is taking too long: I need alot more time to study (than alot of my peers) and it feels like I'm never going to finish. It's all my own fault.

Also, there is alot of pressure on me because we're a middle-class family and my parents have told me on several occasions that only I can change our current situation (meaning: the sooner I finish, the sooner I'll get a job and get paid well and that will help us transform our lives into better ones and help us get out of our 'poverty'). My mom works 9-5 and makes very little money; my dad is living off of social benefits. According to them, quitting pharmacy school is a NO-GO. It's like... I'm stuck in this situation and can't see a way out.

My problem is that everything is taking way too long. The fact that I did not live up to my own expectation is killing me inside, everyday. I have lost my passion for pharmacy, quite literally. Everyday I have to FORCE myself to sit down and study and I just cope with it. Every.Single.Day. My parents think that I'm just being overdramatic and weird but honestly, I don't see it as being weird. Hopelessness hits me each and every morning. I gave up running because I feel like a complete failure in life; I don't feel like doing anything. Sometimes I cut myself but most of the time it does not lessen the pain. I just wish I would go to sleep and never wake up again. I want to punish myself, I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I was created to rot on this earth and forever stay miserable. I want to hurt myself but I also don't. That's just what I'm feeling at the moment, I know that it doesn't make any sense.

I don't even know what my question was. It just felt cathartic to get all of this out there for the very first time. I've never shared these things with anyone. Do you think anything can be done concerning my situation or should I simply give up?