An update of sorts and some things im learning on this journey.

Link to last post. On mobile, so I don't know if this is going to format correctly. https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/6h152f/mm34_in_a_db_have_a_for_sure_ap_never_dabbled_in/

So we've met a couple of times after our discovery of being more then friends and having some fun through messenging. Luckily for me both times someone else was present. The dynamic in which our relationship revolves around keeps the suspicions away for sure. It's not often where we won't end up alone, so when it happens it's not odd or brow raising. Anyways, leading up to both meetings, my heart is pounding as if I'm going on my first date with a crush from highschool. Knees week, palms are sweaty, vomit on my shirt, mom's spaghetti....you get the idea, I'm bat shit nervous...like I said though, both times there were other parties present, as soon as I realize this, my heart stops racing. Nerves are still going, voice is slightly trembling as I say "hi" and make some eye contact with this angel. Slowly, I completely calm down and hang out for a bit, take care of some stuff that's been neglected (equipment, not her body....yet) make some small talk and leave shortly after.

This was an ideal "first" meeting for me. What it taught me was, as much as I would like to keep my emotions detached, it's likely not possible. I'm an inherently passionate person, wether it come to sex or a hobby(which I guess is sex as well). But seeing her for the "first" time filled me with joy and nerves. All in all, a learning experience.

Second meeting was just last night, again other parties present. We all take care of what we're there to do and the others start to leave until it's just her and I. I go out to my truck as if I'm leaving and just sit there a nervous wreck, my door open, thinking that I should go back in as she's closing up. The more courage I build to do so, the less feelings my legs have, hahaha, my nerves are going crazy. Im sitting there in my truck as she's closing down shop and she walks out, the tension is there. The eye contact is everything it was supposed to be, words didn't need to be spoken. As awkward as that was, I enjoyed it. Silence is broken as she asks me if I'm ok. She walks up to my passenger door and that anxious, heart pounding feeling of talking to a crush when all the cards are on the table, overwhelms me. As calmly as I could and while trying to stabilize my voice, I say, "you make my heart pitter patter"...WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY!!!!...she apologizes, not sure why. I tell her, "it's not her fault, it's just that feeling a guy gets when you're talking to your crush whom is clearly out of your league". She takes it in stride and we end up having the most benign conversation...(read, delaying physical contact). Regardless, I get out of my truck after she makes some excuse to show me something on my door. The trim paneling is starting to hang. Yeah, ok,...then.....then, we hug. I embrace her, brush my face against her neck. What seemed like 30 seconds couldn't have been longer then a few. I can smell her, and does she smell fantastic. After the hug, we get in our cars, I lick my lips, I can taste her, dear geezus she tastes like a fucking woman. I'm back in my truck, she's standing at her door. One of us says something, and low and behold another conversation has begun. She comes back to my passenger door, I'm not sure what the hell she said. It was all I could do not to stare at her. I threw in a few, "yeah's, okays, mmmhhms" and just take note of her eyes, her smile, her neck line...with this second conversation I told myself to work up the courage to tell her to shut up and sit in my truck so I can kiss her. As I built up the courage, the nerves wanted to join in. My breathing started to tremble as I opened my mouth. Nothing came out...just a smile and a "yeah", "right", "okay"...(may be a cop out, but my biggest reason for not getting that kiss, is I smelled​ gross, finishing a workout, dry stank breath. I didn't want that to be what she remembered our first kiss to be like.) Our conversation ends, she's walking away. I shoot her a cheesey line that I know will make her smile. "I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go!" The biggest smile I've ever seen washes over her face, and it's stunning. I told her that I already regret not kissing her. She blows me a kiss and another smile. Im on cloud nine, with my nerves shaking that sumbitch, but it's cloud nine, nonetheless.

I get home to the family thinking that I'd look guilty as shit. But, it doesn't affect me. It's as if I was just returning home from another errand. I find relief in that. As if, the suffering from the DB somehow helps me justify my actions. And maybe it does. The real test will be when that first kiss happens, or when I bury my face in her ass....

With all that being said. The biggest learning curve I am finding out is this. That NRE, makes you change. You all of the sudden want to be a better person for your AP. For me, this isn't a big deal, everything that I'm doing for my AP, I was already "kind'a" doing for myself. It's just as if I've gained a focus to my goals. Others may find hiding this "want" to change a little difficult..

Just lessons learned...take it for what it's worth. Sorry for the long read..