I'm becoming too cynical & passive

Yeah, these kind of threads pop up every now and again here. It's like our very own call for help - suicide of our anarchist believes and hopes that it will ever get better, in general. (I am not contemplating an actual suicide - "The dead know only one thing: it is better to be alive.")

My life has gone through some radical changes in the past 10 months or so. I moved to a different country, leaving everyone, except my partner, behind. This wasn't so bad, I like it here. It's better life for us than what we had back home, and I'm happy to be away from my toxic family - I love them, they love me, I miss them now, but it's family and complicated and we all know how it goes.

Life here is still a struggle, but at least we have a safe roof over our heads and food in our bellies. We moved because I got a nice job offer. Can't fault work - even with all anarchistic believes thrown at it, at the end of the day it pays and there is 0 stress. Co-workers are great, boss is nice. Pay could be better, but when is that not the case? Sure, in the grand scale of things my work is completely pointless, but at least I'm not actively contributing to the destruction of our planet, society and fellow human beings.

I've gone through some terrible shit in my life, at the age of 7 I fled my homeland because of the war. I know how fucking shit the life can be, and I know very fucking well how terrible we can be to each other. The horrors of the war ... of the wars, I know too much. I simply know too much of what we are capable.

And when you think things can't get any worse ... I recently went though the pleasant experience of having a testicular cancer. It's like the universe telling me to go fuck myself. I shouldn't be complaining, I'm alive and looks like I'll stay that way for a while. But fucking hell, I really didn't need any more character development.

When you are faced with possibility of death in your early 30s ... it puts certain things into a perspective. Ever since this cancer thing, I'm being more and more nostalgic. Randomly I remember some good day when I was younger, when I was happy. Maybe I didn't realise I was happy back then, but looking at it now - I was happy. Days with no stress or any worries. Much simpler time. Ever since the cancer thing ... I want to enjoy life.

Which brings me to why I'm even typing this here. I can't find any more motivation to actively engage in anarchism or any activism any more. I can't find motivation to read radical works any more. Can't be bothered to engage in any debates. When I see injustice, I don't even get angry. And rage is half of my personality. I've just been down these roads too many times, hoping for a change, fighting for a change, just to see that people don't fucking care.

We live in a world where facts don't really matter any more. Fucking logic and rational thinking. Fuck empathy, fuck multiculturalism, fuck coexistence. Every elections, these assholes (pointing at general public) vote themselves in an even bigger sociopath. Why the fuck should I care? Fuck them, and fuck humanity. We are pieces of shit.

Huh, okay, I did feel rage there. Point is, our days one this planet are numbered. I want to fucking live my life. I want to be happy. I fucking deserve it, I owe it to myself. Anarchism came naturally to me. I knew something was wrong with the world. I know it still is. But I also know that it will continue to be fucked up. Anarchism brought me knowledge, ideas, friendships, but also rage and anger and disappointment. And I'm not sure I'm a happier person for it. If I would die tomorrow, I don't know what I had of my life. Just a struggle. Yelling and pushing in the streets and for what? I didn't change anything. People do not want the change. I don't see why I should throw my life away for them, for better world, when people are actively fucking destroying it, their own lives. I'm tired of it all.

Call me when the revolutions starts, but until then, I just can't be bothered any more. It's not worth me.

TL;DR: Life is shit, life is too short, I don't want to throw it away for other people that don't give a fuck. If you can't beat them, join them.