I have officially put meth before my loved ones

This wasn't intentional of course but I will do anything to get them away from me so I can use. There are only two of them that matter, my mom and my cousin. Cousin hasn't came over in days. Usually see him everyday. I live with my parents and my mom is a different person because of my usage.

I already had depression and social anxiety which have Severely impacted my life. No friendships, relationships EVER. Almost 30 and no sexual relations. It's just me and has always been that way. Im also gay and that does not mix with SA. I truly believe Suicide is the only way out.

I live with my parents. Nbody has called me out. Nobody mentions me using but are totally passive agressive about it. Dad has no clue though. Family looks at me weird cause I look like Shit (improved greatly in last 2 weeks). Nobody asks me if I'm ok or wanna talk. Guess it's because I'm a junkie and not a person with mental health issues.

I don't think I'm a heavy user but I don't know. Smoke about 100 mg everyday. Have been since April. Wanna stop so bad but I do work and don't wanna crash. Plus I enjoy using and would only be quitting to have normalcy between my two loved ones.

Im out and have until 5 to place my order so it will arrive tomorrow. I'm on the fence and it's killing me. Im sure I'll place it. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I'm just tired of it all guys. Xanax is my favorite but stopped because of my heavy usage. Underneath all of the paranoia and even higher levels of anxiety than ever Meth makes me feel wonderful. Sorry for the rant I'm just lonely guys and gals.