Me [28F] with my (ex?)friend [30F] 4 years had a falling out. I don't know whether to let it go or not.

Hi everyone,

I (28) could really use some advice on how to handle a situation with an (ex?)friend, Sarah (30).

I met Sarah at work six years ago. We weren't immediate friends because we worked in different departments. I ended up forming a group of work friends who are/were very social outside of work as well, Sarah happened to be in this friend group.

Sarah and I have been friends for the past four years, with the fourth year being pretty tumultuous. At first I thought Sarah was just more dramatic in her reactions than me. Then I started noticing some pretty big red flags. One that stuck out to me was that she got drunk at a family reunion, walked over to her sister, and smacked her in the face completely unprovoked. She told this story over and over to our friend group because she thought it was sooo funny how she waited until she was drunk to smack her sister (who, at the time, she was on rocky terms with).

Then, Sarah's wedding was coming up. I had never actually dealt with a bride-zilla before and I actually really hated the term and thought that people used it to judge stressed out women who were trying to accommodate all sorts of different family requests at once. I learned that I was horribly wrong, that bride-zillas did exist and that they were utterly exhausting. For that entire 6-8 months before her wedding and even the 4 months after her wedding nothing anybody did was enough to please her. People couldn't drive 10 hours to her bridal shower in her hometown to have lunch and turn around and drive back the same day? We were horrible friends who didn't support her. We throw her her an additional bridal shower in our current city so that all of these friends could celebrate with her too? Why wasn't it a surprise bridal shower and why isn't it at this other location? Someone can't find the exact champagne flutes she "needed" so they buy the closest that they could find? They're clearly trying to sabotage the wedding and she now hates them. I swear, that is a microscopic view of all of the silliness that was displayed during that time. All of these antics really turned me off to her friendship, but she was part of the larger friend group so I really avoided making waves. Plus, almost all of the social gatherings are based in or in proximity to her house because she has much more space than many of the people in the friend group.

The summer after Sarah’s wedding I planned a large beach trip where we rented an enormous house and about 35 of us all went down and had a great time. I had orchestrated the entire week and created costs to accommodate if people were going to be there the entire week or not and what type of room they were staying in. Most couples opted to pay more to have their own room in the house. Most single people opted to pay less to share rooms with other people. Most of the people in that group opted to spend less (this is relevant later).

I was pretty disappointed in that friend group because during the trip most of them didn't make any sort of effort to interact with anyone else on the trip, just each other. Most of the time that was completely fine because it's near impossible to have 35 people all do something at the same time. So, the fact that they were insular wasn't necessarily what annoyed me, it was the way that they were insular. They didn't make any sort of effort to talk to or get to know anyone else and just kind of acted like they were the only ones there. I kept trying to create an inclusive environment by inviting them to every single thing that I did. Some of those things cost money and some did not.

In the past year, I have switched companies and don't work with Sarah or the friend group anymore. Despite this, I try to make it out to as many social gatherings as I can. Sarah decides that she wants to have Girls Night In at her place and I decide to go because I hadn't seen many of them in a few weeks. By the time that I get there Sarah is already drunk, no big deal. I start chatting with people I hadn't seen in a while and some that I hadn't seen in several months. I'm there for probably an hour and half when a friend starts talking to me about my summer plans. She specifically wanted to know if I was up for organizing another beach trip because she had a lot of fun (this friend did mingle). From across the room, I guess Sarah hears the word beach and drunkenly makes a beeline to the friend and I.

Sarah is pretty immediately aggressive saying that a. She heard I was pissed that they didn’t do enough with the entire group (I know who told her this. He’s a pot stirrer, but I thought I could ask him individually about why HE wasn’t partaking in any activities. I guess he ran to her; I don’t talk to him about important things now.) b. That it’s ridiculous for me to feel that way (even though I never said to anyone that I was pissed) c. That everyone else was actually excluding them d. That I stuck them all in that tiny room together (it was not tiny, they opted for that room) and that e. SOME people, overly implying herself, don’t have money to spend on activities at the beach, overly implying I have a lot of money (we have the exact same job, and she’s been doing it longer and actually has a higher salary).

I’m trying to calmly talk to her after each point (I’ve had one beer, she’s had more liquor than I could keep track of) and even give lots of outs like “I know it can be weird when lots of different groups get together.” She’s having none of it and by the end of her list is she literally shouting at me and everyone is staring. Her last two points really pissed me off. I don’t discuss problems like these in public settings with drunk people so I tell her that I feel like she’s being ridiculous and that I’m leaving. Everyone says bye to me and I leave. At that point I was feeling really anxious about everything that had happened, but also relieved to be done with it… I was wrong.

She sends me a ton of text messages right after I leave about how upset she is and how I’m not fair. I respond each and every time with: It’s not a good idea to talk about these things when alcohol is involved. She completely ignores me and I maintain the party line. I’m in tears because I’m feeling really embarrassed by the awkwardness of the entire night and really upset with her.

She sends me a text the next day justifying her points again, but then apologizing if she did anything to piss me off at the beach…. She didn’t apologize for the way she spoke to me the night before, for bringing up something she was clearly pissed about while she was drunk, for… anything. I didn’t respond and really just wanted to be done with her. Months went by and I didn’t hear from her and I did try to maintain friends with other people in the group, though it was a lot tougher because I wasn’t invited to anything anymore.

Yesterday I got a text from her saying that she didn’t want to throw away a 4 year friendship over one incident and that she’s sorry again if she pissed me off at the beach.

I haven’t responded. I don’t know how to. I have a history of letting people walk all over me and I really need help figuring out what to say and how to say it. I don’t know if I should just get over it and maintain quiet civility so that I can be invited to things again or if I should put the nail in the coffin of our friendship.

tl;dr: Friend repeatedly handles problems incorrectly, yells at me in public, but wants to stay friends. I don’t know if I should try to maintain friendship for peace or not. What should I say to her?