I think I'm scared.

Of what it'll "be like" to return to normal days that encompass normal, human things like awaking early/actually sleeping and maintaining a job and relationships and looking forward to adventures and little things in place of this drug.

Of confronting reality and the state of my brain given years of usage and abuse.

Of facing the fact I've used these years inefficiently and, at 26, it'll take some catch-up to return to university or friendships I've subtracted from my life.

Of actually doing the thing I've known I wanted to do and failed time after time for a near entire decade: living sober. Completely, unabashedly sober.

Of being the person I want to be. In the handful of weeks I've managed to not smoke over the last several years, I have found myself clearer, sharper, happier, more willing to and better at interfacing with people, looking forward to things. And yet, I've kept regressing.

Not anymore. Even saying it's gotten old is redundant for me at this point. I've only grown more anxious, paranoid, selfish, lifeless -- all the things sober "me" was not. And hopefully, still is not.

The mere act of getting sober and staying that way for 30 days will be the longest in adulthood for me. I want that, then more than that. Is anyone else with me today? Does anyone want to instill in me just how much we want to reclaim our lives?