I bury my best friend Wednesday. I bumped into my ex with another guy yesterday. I'm heartbroken.

On Wednesday I bury my best friend who tragically passed away at the age of 25. I'm heartbroken and I will be speaking at his funeral.

I've posted recently to say that my ex who broke up with me 2 months ago has kept contact to ask how I have been doing and if I ever needed anything go to her.

I went to the gym yesterday evening just to pass the time and maybe work off a small hangover I was nursing from the night before. I felt okay but by the end of my session I was very tired.

As I was walking back towards my flat I spot my ex with a guy next to her sitting down. I could have turned around but I didn't. I go up to her and say hi, she seems shocked to see me and asks if I'm doing okay. I say no, not really and say I'll leave them to it and say goodbye.

As I walk down the road my ex has caught up with me after she runs to catch up with me. She says she has done this to tell me that what's happening with her and him is not what it seems and she didn't want me to worry about something when it's not. She says they are not seeing each other and that he is just a work friend. That he is going through a hard time.

We then get talking about how I'm feeling, how devestated I am, how I'm scared for Wednesday. She and a mutual friend went to a concert last week and she mentions they talked. She said she went on a rant about how much she cares about me, that I was her best friend, that she is worried for me. She says she's nearly messaged me just to see if I want to hang out. She has come to me since my best friends death to apologise and she says that she will leave me alone now and will wait for me to message.

I do say I miss her but right now my head is all over the place. I'm considering my options about going home and starting again. That I'm not looking for anyone right now. I'm just tired, exhausted. She said I look like I haven't eaten well, that I'm really pale. She nearly went to the same club as me the night before but didn't and stays she's glad she didn't.

She offers to cook me a meal or go for coffee. That she is always here for me. I ask again about them and she says they're not seeing other, that something could happen but it isn't.

I accidentally saw her open diary just before the break up about a guy who has a family that makes her laugh, feel alive. This guy has a child. I recognise him from her xmas party.

I'm really confused about why she chased after me. It's obvious she cares but is she feeling guilty, trying to spare my feelings in the hardest time of my life.

I do want her back in my life but seeing her with another guy hurt big time. Seeing them close to each other eating ice cream. She works with him, did she like him when we were dating.

I'm so confused, hurt, a mess. I bury my best friend Wednesday. I am absolutely terrified. I feel like I'm spiralling and can find no joy in anything I do.