Introducing Zanax, and why it's all my fault

After some encouragement from u/madpiratebippy, I've decided to post a little bit about my currently estranged mom in the hopes of some sort of catharsis.

It's not going to be funny overall, and there will definitely be TWs in a large chunk of posts, but I appreciate this sub and really really hope this'll be at least a little therapeutic.

Background: I call my mom Zanax here partially because her nickname is Zan, and partially because anti-anxiety drugs are her constant companions. She's bipolar II and roughly 90% of the time she's not medicated properly (or maybe just not taking her medication because she "knows best", the fuck do I know).

When Zanax sent my older half-brother (BB, and she's the one who made it very clear that he is half) to live with his father, I became the scapegoat of the family, and my younger brother (LB) became the golden child. BB was sent off because his idea of 'playing' involved throwing me down the stairs, and LB decided he'd take up the mantle. Thus began "It's Taters' fault".

Zanax decided that I was manipulative and sneaky, and thus it was always my fault when LB punched me or when she was upset. "You must have done something, so I'm just going to let this happen. If you didn't do anything, why did LB hit you?" Because he's angry at you for grounding him and he knows he can't hit you?

Bonus short story: One night when I was 12, Zanax woke me up in the middle of the night. "We're getting kicked out of the apartment and it's your fault!" Apparently she hadn't told the apartment management that she'd be living in a one-bedroom with two kids, and we were being evicted because I have a pulse (no more than two heartbeats per bedroom is how it was phrased to me). That night, she bundled me and LB out the door and dropped us on our aunt's doorstep (another piece of work, there will be r/justnofamily posts about her eventually). During that time, though, I was booked into Fucking Linda's charter school, and met u/madpiratebippy! Not a great time in my life, but I can confirm that bippy is as cool as she comes across and she was a hero to a frightened kid.

tl;dr: my mother decided I was manipulative and sneaky, and thus everything up to and including eviction from an apartment was and forever would be my fault.