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Buffer01•

You gotta start reading your own work, out loud. There are some really super fucky sentences in this thing.

The first one was named Becky Crawford was his high school crush

You would edit this if you read it out loud.

the one thing that made Dennis hate her was because she was only skin

unless you're new to the English language, you would catch all of these the second you read them out loud.

small petite girl that had her breasts the size of mosquito bites.

maybe you're like Irish or something and a sentence like this one sounds normal where you're from? She had her breasts the size of....

t-shirts that are wrinkled, and not fat, not skinny, but balanced yet weak physically

Read aloud, cut the super bizarre stuff, and people will take the writing more seriously.

But Dennis couldn’t handle her and her constant nagging about going to college and supporting a family one day.

Lool. Notice when you read it out loud, you think that the sentence is going to end nicely, then it keeps going: "one day," and restricts the whole point.

He put an end to them when she started to name off her favorite names to assign their future children during doggystyle.

lmao. he put an end to them? during doggy style?

Dennis found Kenna Woods at the local Applebee’s bar ordering a martini and extra mozzarella sticks on the side.

cut these bits off the end of your sentences. "on the side" adds literally nothing.

Dennis didn’t like other dicks in his landzone.

lmao. jesus. this lumpy language.

to which she reacted as “alright,” and grabbed her jacket and left

to which she reacted AS? Read out loud. Then post.

She’s not fat, no where near to having any skin

lmao. she has no skin?

the chaser will try to get her fat despite her current weight.

this isn't right. he's not getting her fat "despite" her weight. That makes no sense.

I can't believe this has already been posted. It's so comically rough that I have to wonder whether anything with any sense critiqued it, or whether you just ignored them.

definitely read your sentences out loud. record yourself if you have to. you gotta hear how crazy some of these senetnces are.

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George_Willard•

I think the last time this was posted it was tagged for leeching. They must have corrected the leeching and the mods let them resubmit since the first one didn't get any feedback.

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follywolfOP•

Hey thanks for the advice either way man. I don't read a lot of my shit to the point, I kinda just flow but obviously that's not a good thing to do with writing. Thanks for the input, rly appreciate it

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LeftRightHeader•

If this is a standalone piece, I would give the following advice:

Make it stand alone: this piece reads like an excerpt- not a standalone piece

Look at short story crafting: details such as surnames are unnecessary and makes the piece feel clunky.

Create a compelling event: There is no compelling event here. There just seems to be a vague description of sexual events, but no context.

Understand character backgrounds: why does the main character like fuller figured partners? There is no explanation.

TL;DR - this is smut without context and the smut isn't even compelling.

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migDmig•

It reads like an expert piece, yes, but I think that is effective in drawing the reader in right away, almost like an en media res type thing. The premise is unique (although a bit weird) and the challenge is clear and interesting. There are some grammatical errors that you should be able to copy-edit yourself.

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