Source
r/OCPoetry•
applechoral

Best Christmas

Feedback Received!

Best Christmas

 

We huddle for warmth
in the secret cave of talking shit.

 

All the primitive paintings on
the cave walls are of the same

 

blank face, bald and thin-lipped,
with eyes like buttholes.

 

Outside, it’s raining
on the chupacabras in the brush.

 

“We should build turrets”
I say as if I have a plan.

 

“We should get a better accountant”
you reply, angrily peeling

 

the skin from a squirrel.
“And next time let me drive.”

 

“This isn’t so bad” I say,
“at least we have this box of books

 

which we can burn for warmth.
Isn’t it ironic? You, a librarian.

 

It’s like rain on your wedding day!”
Hearing no response, I

 

look over to find that you,
obviously sick of my shit,

 

have turned yourself into an
oak chair. Who could blame

 

you, really? Now, I am happy,
with a seat for reading, or

 

extra wood I can add to
the fire. “A place for everything,”

 

I say, opening my cantine of fortified
wine. “And every little thing

 

in its place.”

 

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Feedback appreciated, I don't quite know what to make of this one.

Posted Jul 13, 2017, 5:07 AM UTC · edited

39
SnowedInByEdward•

Some vivid imagery here dang. Flows a little strange but I dig it. The only real change I'd make here is to change the word butthole to something like anus, butthole just throws me off there for some reason.

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applechoralOP•

What's the plural of anus? Anuses? Ani? Or is it just anus, like deer?

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SnowedInByEdward•

probably anuses, definitely not just anus

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weyand1•

I think "eyes like anuses" has a fun ring to it, it could almost be the title (or a band name or something).

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isntlovely•

This feels like such a humorous poem but there's a sense of realism here that I can't help but relate to! It really brings out the not so cheery atmosphere of what is supposed to be a cheery holiday. "And every little thing is in its place" really brings it together to show that there's somewhat of a bond between this family that makes it legitimately the best Christmas but not the ones you see on tv. Just my interpretation but good work!!

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applechoralOP•

Thanks for the comment! Not exactly how I would interpret it, but I love when someone gets something from my writing that I wouldn't have expected, that's what makes it fun.

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weyand1•

I really love your use of dialogue here, i always find it really difficult to make dialogue and poetry work for each other. Something that interrupted your flow for me were the line breaks. I think the continued use of couplets throughout could be effective but it breaks up your writing. Have you tried tercets? Or quatrains even. I just can't see the reason for the couplets. I do really really like the single line at the end. it's like a shining little star on the top of the tree.

also, editing note: cantine is french, canteen is english. I'm not sure if that was intentional.

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applechoralOP•

Good feedback, thanks. The couplets happened without really thinking as I was initially writing it, and I never bothered to try different arrangements, for whatever reason. Maybe I should rethink it. I could see how it might be distracting.

I get what you mean about dialogue often being difficult in poetry. I think it works here because it fits something about the speaker's voice, the fact that it's a person telling a story of sorts in a kind of casual and maybe flippant way. Dialogue in poems isn't something I do often.

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Eyoleet•

I like this. I like the mix between the creative madness and the calculated cynicism.

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