I'm 14, MtF, pre-everything, and suicide is my only realistic option.

I'm a worthless human being and I have no future. If I ever decide to come out, I'll lose most of my friends, even my best friends, and my parents will surely make me want to abandon my transition if I ever get around to it, which is probably never. The only thing I've done that's even close to transitioning is being a creep pretending to be a girl online, hence my username. I don't need an MtF transition; what I need is a good beating.

Okay, let's talk about my family. My mom is overly attached to me; always singing songs to, overusing inside jokes with, or affectionately naming her "sweet angel," always making me want to curl up into a ball and vanish. (And that "angel" is me, an only child.) And the worst part is that she always makes me feel guilty whenever I feel unenthusiastic about what's mentioned above. Every time she asks me what's wrong whenever I show any sign of feeling down, I always lie to her that I'm fine when it's the exact opposite. If I ever come out to her, she'll give me new "cute" names and songs which will instantly make me regret ever attempting to transition in the first place.

And then there's my dad. He's sometimes a cool guy to hang out with, but he's unpredictable, leaving me confused and nervous. One day he'll have a positive view of something, and the next day he'll have a negative view of it, and vice versa. One thing about him that makes me unable to transition is his obsession with current events. I'm pretty sure he won't be happy about me transitioning because of the cost and the health risks, and I don't think he's happy about me even being here in the first place because of his hate for social networking and the fact that he's afraid one of us will be taken away by the authorities.

Next, I’ll talk about my friends. The first friends I'll talk about are my friends (many of them have quotation marks around the friend) at school. In September, I'll be having my first day at a city high school where almost every student is rude and the rules make Nineteen Eighty-Four look like The Purge. Most of the kids in the school district where I go to are violent, rude, disrespectful, gossipy, selfish, and disruptive. I can guarantee that they won't be happy with me being transgender because many of them have shown signs of homophobia, so I won't be surprised if they're transphobic too.

And then there are my online friends, the people who actually honestly care about me, and as I've said before, the internet is literally the only place where I'm "happily passing." I have a lot of fun with them, but I have a huge fear of being misgendered because I'm afraid that will ruin my reputation. Combine this with social anxiety and you've got me, a nervous wreck who logs out when people talk about certain topics and posts less often than "she" intends to.

In addition to family and friend problems, I also have a problem with gender roles. I find both gender roles uncomfortable even though I identify as a girl, and I don't want to do stuff that I find lame just because I'm unhappy with my assigned sex. Hey, even though I strongly dislike the gender I'm forced to live as, I still find a lot of its stereotypical activities enjoyable! And apparently I'll become weaker too if I transition, because I read that MtF HRT reduces muscle mass.

At this point, I think life is just a way of telling everyone that I'm just a schmuck. Every day is the exact same. I wake up, eat breakfast, waste all my time on boring websites while being irritated by my parents, and go to sleep. I feel like I'm just a dimwitted robot while everyone else is out there being unfathomably happy and making tons of money.

Whatever, I'm just tired of my birth sex, tired of my appearance, tired of being a creep pretending to be a girl online, tired of my parents, tired of intolerance, tired of people, tired of society, tired of life, tired of everything! I just want it all to end!