Fake It Till You Make It -- Intro

Haven't introduced myself -- POMO dude here; early 30s. Started asking questions at age 9, rejected the whole thing by 13, but had to go to meetings until 18 under threats of beatings. I have an epic amount of resentment toward my mother who forced the issue, and toward my father for forcing the issue while not being a JW himself (just to keep her out of his face). Left home, went to college, graduated, joined the US Army, got out and switched to private sector stuff and did the grad school thing. Basic background info.

I will lead by saying that as worthless, empty and full of despair as I feel as an adult, I realize that others have had it much worse as kids. This makes me feel guilty, ashamed, and even WORSE about my disposition -- why can't I just suck it up? Am I that weak?

Anyway, JWs like to exercise control over you by saying that if you leave the organization you will fail, and that bad things will happen to you. I liken life in the organization as just like being in a bird cage. It's small, stifling, and will limit your freedom. But on the other hand the reality is that life in the real world is complicated, random and sometimes rough -- and it's true that that same cage can technically serve as a protection from predators and the elements. If that analogy makes any sense to you all.

The only thing that keeps me going at times is my absolute refusal to be an example of failure for rejecting their authority and demanding to live my life on my own terms. My gut tells me that I will eventually lose this battle with myself, but for now I do it a day at a time and I try to do my best. I know I need lots of help and it's on my list of things to accomplish.

Sorry for the length, and for the darkness. I've never articulated this to anyone, and tried to keep it as short as possible. I just felt better sharing. I really like this forum.