today's therapy session (abridged)

Therapist: "You're using restriction to hide from your anxiety and sadness. You're using your ED to channel emotions you perceive as weakness--"

Me: "Okay, but seriously, I just want to be better than other people."

Best and worst thing about therapy is that it only lasts an hour. I was pretty close to walking out at various points--if I'm gonna pay someone big bucks to degrade me, she better wear a leather bustier.

She has me pegged: I feel like subhuman shit for feeling any emotion except rage and contempt. Sadness and fear make me feel like a whiny kid pissing his pants and bawling for mommy (or worse, like a histrionic teenager).

I feel like subhuman shit most of the time.

My perception of myself as "fat" is probably wrapped up in my perception of myself (and everyone else) as weak, self-indulgent, needy, childlike, and whiny. That's great. That's fantastic. That is also not really new information--my family used to praise me for being an underweight kid, I was bullied for being fat (at 5'7" and 115 lbs), my ex used to chide me to take care of my body. I know all these things.

I want people to envy me. If I've felt inferior all my goddam life, of course I'd like a fucking taste of superiority. Mea maxima culpa. Sorry.

Here I am, boiling with rage, probably channeling some wimpy emotion or another. Ate half a tub of slow-churned ice cream today; feeling like just about the weakest little loser there ever was; might skip my planned nutritious dinner to finish it off.

Eating my feelings. I thought I was a cold unflappable badass--apparently I'm a stereotype of a housewife watching soaps.

N.B.: I would also, at some point, like to have sex with a dude. This is another very good reason not to be fat.

Addendum: I don't actually care about sex. I just want someone to be attracted to me. Makes me feel less like subhuman shit.

Edited to add: I am not a very nice person. Another stunning insight from therapy.