Day one again. Hungover again.

After around 94 or 95 days of not drinking, I started drinking again. I was having a lot of trouble with cravings around 80 days, but I had resolved to make it to 100 days at least. The cravings subsided after a bit, but I think I had this 100 days looming in my head and I have a bad habit of being self-destructive / self-defeating. I don't know why, but I just went into autopilot and poured myself a drink. Then another and another. This went on for 3 days before I snapped out of it. I made it through the week but then I did it again last night and drank until I blacked out with my hand in a can of almonds. I don't think I ate enough but I also drank too much.

I'm terrified of the anxiety that I know will hit me like a truck later today, but I know I can't keep doing this.

I think part of the explanation for this relapse besides being self-sabotaging is that being sober doesn't fix everything, and the longer I was sober the more I realized it. I was annoyed that quitting drinking didn't solve all my problems (despite thinking it had while I was in the pink cloud). Maybe I wanted to go back to zero so that I had something to fix again instead of working on the other problems once I had removed alcohol. I think I need to start working more on what's under the surface. For now though, just need to make it through today.

Ok, that's it for me. No drinks today.