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Posted Jul 19, 2017, 6:45 PM UTC · edited
[deleted]
Posted Jul 19, 2017, 6:45 PM UTC · edited
So... ABCA may work better as ABBA or ABCB. Good attention to meter throughout. Punctuation needs work for consistency, especially when you've nominally got 4-5 sentences strung together throughout.
Narrative-wise, not bad, but there's some cliche bits - 'you weary of it all' and 'so every breath you took would have', most noticeably. I'm not sure that the internal senses work in combination with external senses that well - rhythms as verses as hearing through the blood as fear relief, vision cleansing as depression lifting as expression of love, pain tasting as (what I think is a reference to either drug withdrawl or Parkinson's; IVs aren't meant to still veins so much as support them), etc.
I'm also uncertain as to how well the idea of a parasite works in this instance - it starts out small, ostensibly, to the extent that it'd be on the level of alveoli, but somehow ends with 'wrap you up in me' (yet I don't see the massive growth spurt through the piece).
That all said, 'I'll blue your lips and seal your eyes' is solid, and worthy of expansion.
thank you, I appreciate it!
Wow! I really enjoyed ready this. Especially that ending! Here we go!
thank you for your comments!