r/OCPoetry•
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Posted Jul 19, 2017, 6:45 PM UTC · edited

14
akaymayday•

Wow! I really enjoyed ready this. Especially that ending! Here we go!

  1. I have to start with the ending. I just gotta. It's really powerful and as soon as I finished I looked up at the title and just a great, big (awesome) "Oh, huh!" And read it again. Bravo.
  2. I'm a little vague on who the voice of this poem is (someone in love with someone sick/or the illness itself) because there are lines that make me go one way or the other. My best guess is that its someone in love with a sick person. Which makes the end powerful in a very sad way. While I don't think this needs anything explicit in anyway, I think a very light nod to the speaker would keep the focus on what's happening here.
  3. I could do without so many of the "I'll and I'd and you'd"
  4. Really like this, little for me to critique!
2
idk104•

thank you for your comments!

1
gwrgwir•

So... ABCA may work better as ABBA or ABCB. Good attention to meter throughout. Punctuation needs work for consistency, especially when you've nominally got 4-5 sentences strung together throughout.

Narrative-wise, not bad, but there's some cliche bits - 'you weary of it all' and 'so every breath you took would have', most noticeably. I'm not sure that the internal senses work in combination with external senses that well - rhythms as verses as hearing through the blood as fear relief, vision cleansing as depression lifting as expression of love, pain tasting as (what I think is a reference to either drug withdrawl or Parkinson's; IVs aren't meant to still veins so much as support them), etc.

I'm also uncertain as to how well the idea of a parasite works in this instance - it starts out small, ostensibly, to the extent that it'd be on the level of alveoli, but somehow ends with 'wrap you up in me' (yet I don't see the massive growth spurt through the piece).

That all said, 'I'll blue your lips and seal your eyes' is solid, and worthy of expansion.

1
idk104•

thank you, I appreciate it!

1