Trying to decide what to do

I've just started going to meetings. My fiancee is an alcoholic. Starting last year, I pushed her hard to try to get into recovery (including a couple ultimata that I never backed up), but she didn't.

Earlier this month, I left her behind during a trip we planned, as she had gotten drunk the night before and I was tired of it ... and I needed some space for myself.

There have been developments since then, including further complications in her depression. After she was left behind on the trip, it finally occurred to her that she might actually lose me, so she (reluctantly) went to a couple AA meetings.

But so far, she's only seemed to undermine her own recovery. I've watched her get drunk several times (and I try to detach, with mixed results). We took one trip to the ER because I was worried about her suicidal ideation. I'm supposed to detach with love ... but I can't be sure of the line between ideal ideation and the possibility of action.

The ER folks concluded that she wasn't an immediate danger, but recommended she go into detox, to be followed by treatment for her depression. She refused. The next day, she decided to go to a psychiatric clinic (and asked me to take her there) for a diagnosis. Same thing ... they told her she needs to detox, then get treatment for her depression.

And she finally decided to do the detox ...

...

in two weeks.

I'm sort of wondering what to do. Internally (without telling her) I decided to wait until the end of July for her to get into active recovery. If she didn't get into active recovery, I decided I was going to end the engagement and move on with my life.

It's been really tough watching her for the last couple weeks. She has taken (at best) reluctant and desultory steps toward recovery and undermining herself at every turn.

So what's going to happen next. Is she going to go to detox, go through the motions, and then undermine her recovery again?

These thoughts have been going through my head for the last couple weeks. Despite everything that Alanon teaches, it's incredibly difficult for me to detach, let alone "detach with love." It's difficult for me to watch her destroy herself. And it's difficult for me to look ahead to a life where she's drunk almost constantly and doing nothing to pull herself out of that spiral. It's difficult to imagine living with it myself. I feel like I can go through all 12 steps, but at the end of the day if she's not in recovery, then there's this hole in my life where she should be ... and I think I'd rather be alone and finding my happiness, than with her and letting her alcoholism control the rhythm of our relationship.

Because even if I do detach, even if I do see to my own happiness, I feel like her alcohol use will continue to be a problem in our relationship and our marriage.

So what do I do? Do I cut my losses now? Do I give her a chance to go to detox on her own terms, then see if she comes out committed to her recovery?

It's not an easy question. I don't know that I have an answer. Or that the answer is a good one. I've chatted with a couple family folk, and their answer is something along the lines of, "Well, you're in a tough situation. Do what you need to do." Which is nice that they support me, but I could use some God-pounding advice! So what are the thoughts here?