I just can't do it anymore

I thought I had started winning but I feel everything is going back and I'm not strong enough to go through all this fucking shit again, I'm 19 years old and have no family, no future, no nothing.
I can't be bothered to keep going when shit's just getting worse
the only time I feel "happiness" is when I win big gambling or when I buy new shoes, my life is so fucking sad and I can't blame anyone but myself
I thought times were changing, that things would get better but I fucked up my last shot at life, I'm so fucking socially retarded, my childhood best friend introduce me to his friends but I've been alone for so long that I don't know how to act around people, I drink too much and start talking about my depression to tens of people the first time I meet them, why the fuck would anyone want to spend time with a debbie downer like me when there are tons of awesome people in this world
I just can't fucking take it anymore, the only reason I'm still here is because I have a little hope that things will change, but I got my chance and blew it.
I've burned all bridges and don't have anything left to live for anymore, honestly I've wanted to die since I was like 7, 12 years later and every day when I wake up I still debate whether today is the day or not
I'm don't want to commit suicide but I really want to die
please give me one reason not to gather the courage and just get it done with